Julie R. Neidlinger: Lone Prairie Art Works

The gift of hospitality.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 4 comments link this post

::Part of this was in an email I wrote to my parents, regarding my difficulty in finding an apartment or other housing after my initial plans went sour.::

"To welcome the stranger is to acknowledge him as a human
being made in God's image; it is to treat her as one of equal worth
with ourselves - indeed, as one who may teach us something out of
the richness of experiences different from our own."

-- Ana Maria Pineda

The Bible is filled with passages talking about taking in the stranger. God's own people were strangers and refugees. I got to thinking about my current situation (no place to stay as of yet), and how much I don't like asking people for help; it made me think of the passages in the Bible regarding hospitality, and how the disciples and Jesus had no home and relied upon people putting them up.

I wonder if that would happen today?

The American ideal is that God helps those who help themselves; our general state of hospitality can be keenly seen in our dialog on immigrants and others having a difficult time making it. Immigrants are fine if they can pull their own weight. We'll send money to help the refugees somewhere in Africa, but damned if they start coming over here and not learning our language or becoming like us. "Those people" can go to Lutheran Social Services or some other government agency to get help; that's what they're there for. I've heard that many times. It's echoed, in a softer version swathed in some sort of Biblical apologetic, by many Christian and right-wing leaders.

Build soup kitchens, homeless shelters, group housing. Put them there.

But not in my home.

My home with ample space, where I have all my stuff that I like just so. Don't ask me to give up my good stuff; I'll give you the old stuff I don't want anymore.

Romans 12:13 says hospitality is something that must be practiced, which suggests it doesn't come easily or naturally to our greedy, selfish natures.

I know that after 29 exchange students through the years of growing up, I was tired of sharing my clothes and shower and bathroom and time with these guests, though I hid my reasons for wanting my parents to stop hosting them in much more diplomatic and reasonable language. Essentially, I grew tired of practicing hospitality, for hospitality requires relinquishing personal space, my stuff, my time, my rights, my habits, and my comfort for the sake of another. It requires efforts at making conversation and attending to needs and not expecting a return. Hospitality can be dangerous; you don't know what might happen when you invite people into your home. Hospitality isn't just helping out your close friends and families, but involves the stranger or the one in need. And, it requires humility enough to ask for and accept hospitable help, and the generosity enough to keep offering it above and beyond what our culture tells us "is enough." This is hard work, and must be practiced.

To my parents, in an email this morning, I wrote:

It is starting to seem that people will say "let me know if you need any help" but when they are pressed for something that would inconvenience them, they put limits on that. I was thinking about how you guys gave George* and his family a house for a year when things weren't looking good for them, and let them have their dog there and everything. Repeatedly, you have gone out of your way to help people with furniture, money, clothing, housing -- even helped people move. Rarely was it convenient. Yet that isn't the normal behavior of people. I guess it's a good lesson to learn, the contrast of the two behaviors.

My parents have been excellent examples to all of us kids in regards to what hospitality looks like. Often, we shake our heads and tell them they are being too patient or too lenient, or getting to involved. Yet, I can see as I look back, that being generous is not the problem. Greed is.

And it is greed, a greed of convenience and space and autonomy and personal ease. A desire to be accountable or answer to or be required of no one.

People are so lonely and unhappy in our "independent" and self-removed lifestyle in the West -- we have our own space and our own stuff and it's very little hassle if it stays that way! -- but we don't see how it makes us unhappy in our greed, or creates selfishness. We make excuses as to why helping someone wouldn't work or wouldn't be a good idea because it would mean someone would intrude on our comfort level. "They got into this mess. They can get out. It'll be a good lesson," we might say, and it sounds good and responsible and very much like tough love. "It's time they took responsibility."

We offer to help but make sure it is help that doesn't require much commitment or undue loss of time or resources. What we don't understand is that, not only would it be good for us to go out of our way and "responsibility" to help someone in the long run, but it is required. The Bible doesn't suggest we be hospitable. It tells us to be hospitable. It does not tell us to tell people that it is their responsibility to take care of themselves. We are to take care of each other, as God has taken care of us.

Matthew 25:35 is often used for reasons to help the poor and needy, but lest we get locked in our minds that the poor and needy are a certain set of people, we need to remember that the poor and needy can come in many forms and fluctuate from previous states. Two weeks ago, for example, I was not needy. I did not need a place to stay. Today, at this moment, I do. This passage, however, addresses more than just the person who needs food or clothing. It says: "I was a stranger and you invited me in."

One thing I appreciated about Shane Claiborne and the things he promotes in his writing, is this very unusual idea (in the western culture mainly, not most of the rest of the world) of serious hospitality. When he travels for speaking engagements, for example, he asks to stay in the homes of the people of the church he is speaking at, and not in some impersonal hotel. I'm sure some people would rather not be bothered, and it would be easier to relegate the stranger to a hotel.

I understand Claiborne's personal policy on many levels. I am tired of impersonal hotels. I've stayed in enough of them in my meager travels over the years, and I don't get a lot of joy out of staying in them anymore. It's not exciting. I am starting to understand and appreciate what Claiborne is trying to say about hospitality and relationships and community.

Whatever the case, my little experience is a good reminder to be hospitable and helpful all the time, not just when it's easy, and not just to throw the words around suggesting you'll help but not follow through. It is difficult for me, not because I don't want to help, but because I am shy and have a fear of offering to help and being rebuffed.

My experience has been mild. A week in duration. I have a computer for communication and family that checks up on me. If all else fails and I can't find a place to stay for my 3 months of class, then I will simply have to end the instruction and go back home and try again some other time. It's all easy enough -- I, at least, have a home somewhere.

Just not here.

*Name has been changed.

Labels: essay, family, relationships, religion, summer 2008

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The theory of enough.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 0 comments link this post

If they offer you two for the price of one, just get one anyway.

Get the smallest size, the least amount, the less side of everything. Be understocked, under-prepared, and let God take the load. Have faith?

Faith is being unprepared.
Not stocking up.
Not thinking "just in case."
Not serving Mammon in the guise of saving money and being a wise consumer.
Because getting more for your buck is still about getting more.
And it's usually at the expense of someone getting not nearly enough.

We think that it's better to be over-prepared than under-prepared, but no. Be under-prepared. Give God a chance to make some wine and feed the 5000. Have too little rather than too much and let go of the lie that you can take care of yourself.

Take only enough manna for today.

The rest is waste and greed.

Related Links:

Storage and burial

Note: This post was pre-written and published as scheduled. Read more about this here.

Labels: essay, religion

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Better on paper.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 0 comments link this post

I found myself saying in an email, yet again, that I am "better on paper.*" I say it a lot, usually as an excuse as to why I'm hesitant to meet people who only know me by my writing.

That's such a disappointment, I would think.

I'll say things in writing that I won't say in person.

But then I stumbled upon 2 Corinthians 10:1 and finally saw something in it. It's repeated again, in 10:11.
This is from a chunk of scripture where Paul is addressing those questioning his authority, and in amongst a lot of other good things, he talks about how, in person, he may seem meek while in his writing, he is bold. I'd suggest having a go at the entire chapter (or book) rather than let me butcher it, but those two verses really caught my eye.

I'm better on paper. I express what I'm truthfully thinking when it goes through the filter of the pen.
I'll say what I'm really thinking in writing, where, if you asked me something in person (how are you? anything new? what are you doing these days? anything to say?), I'll probably give you the following answers:

I'm good, thanks.
Oh, not much.
Same old same old.
Nuthin'.

The me on paper is not in conflict with the one-to-three-word answer me. I used to think it was, but I don't see it as that anymore.

I'll say a lot on paper, and put my name on it. But, in person, I probably won't even meet your eyes.

*Paper = screen = the written word; pen = keyboard

Note: This post was pre-written and published as scheduled. Read more about this here.

Labels: blogging, personal, religion, writing

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Follow the leader.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 9 comments link this post

Regarding youth pastors (leaving out any in-depth discussion on my thoughts on the concept of "youth ministry", its validity, what it promotes, the self-feeding problems it creates by its very nature, and how some things can be tied to concepts of the idea of "youth culture" as found in this book), I have come to discover a very obvious truth:

Youth follow as they are led.

So:

The louder and more obnoxious the youth leader, the louder and more obnoxious the youth group.

You may fill in the above adjectives using: boorish, simplistic, unthinking, thoughtful, considerate, devoted, surface, shallow, deep, right-hearted, contentious, divisive, etc.

You may also substitute "youth leader" for any kind of leader, such as: president, presidential candidate, teacher, pastor, etc.

You may add to the discussion the ideas of perpetual pizza parties; 36-year old men who still say "sweet" and "dude" while former youth have grown up, married, have kids, and make their old youth leaders look stupid; the strange necessity of male youth leaders to half shave heads or facial hair, or use Kool-Aid to dye their hair as a prize for ridiculous contests such as who can hand out the most tracts or memorize the most Bible verses; the weird things done with Jello; and, in general, the concept of pandering to the lowest common denominator when playing a numbers game.

Obviously, I've got my deep-thinking cap on today.

Because if I have to go to another youth event where the church kids run down the halls of the hotel screaming and throwing ice at 11:30 p.m., I am going to shove my head out the door and cuss a $!@#$&! blue streak -- church kids or not -- about their rotten behavior which is somehow written off as "that's how kids are" when it is, indeed, not how they should or can be.

Because, for some reason, I think 17 and 18-year old "kids" can grow up and behave better since historically they could have been working in coal mines, getting blown up in trenches, or be halfway through their total life expectancy.

Labels: politics, rant, religion

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Vote my conscience?

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 6 comments link this post

In this month's ND Assembly of God newsletter, the first two articles are about the imperative importance of Christians needing to get out and vote this election. You know how these articles go; how our nation is at a crossroads, the importance of reclaiming our "true Christian roots", how vital it is to get the right candidate in the office so he or she can appoint the right judge so that judge can make more laws of man that will help preserve our nation in perpetuity as we Christians are supposedly to want...

And oh yeah. Vote your conscience, I was told.

Vote my conscience.

One article contains the following paragraph:

Church, it is critical we take a stand for our nation. [...] The church cannot sit back any longer. It is time to take a stand for righteousness and holiness.

Righteousness and holiness are important, but the way this otherwise noble Christian phrase is included in an article on politics and voting seems to suggest that by merely voting right, I'm doing the hard work of personal holiness and seeking righteousness.

That's a lie.

The rebuttal that comes to mind for this entire religious tendency whenever elections roll around, what I want to say, exhausts me to even think about.

So I'll just say this, and no doubt leave myself open to a lot of comments without really desiring to take up the mantle of debate.

I prefer, as a follower of Christ, to not take a stand for any nation but, instead, for the kingdom of Jesus Christ. How does it sound to say "Church, it is critical we take a stand for the Roman Empire. Church, it is critical we take a stand for Palestine. Church, it is critical we take a stand for Ethiopia."

No.

We do not take a stand for the powers of this earth. Our focus and energy should never be on how high we hoist the American flag, but on spreading the Gospel of Christ. That is what we are to do. We are not here to spread the gospel of our forefathers, the gospel of our buy-buy-buy culture, the gospel of democracy -- preach Christ, and preach him crucified. His Kingdom. His Gospel. That's it.

The church sitting back is a problem, indeed, but it isn't one of sitting back and not taking part in the politics of man. It is, instead, a sitting back and not taking part in the desperation of fallen man. We've traded it off for indignation and righteous anger, missing out on the necessary pain and joy of humbleness and love.

You could dismiss me as merely being cynical about the church and politics, but the admonition to vote my conscience adds to the continually growing (and overwhelming) sense that if I were to really vote -- and act -- on my conscience, I would make a lot of people angry and upset.

I would tell them to take that American flag out of the church; definitely take it off of the altar. I would tell them to stop mixing politics and religion. I would tell them that when it comes election time, the church should say...nothing. I would say that we ought to stop featuring and supporting various celebrities or athletes solely based on their politics. I would say that no politician should ever grace a pulpit when he is functioning as a politician. I would say a lot more but, as I mentioned, it exhausts me.

When you're raised in the church your whole life, like I was, you can do two things:

You can swallow the blue pill and keep picking up voters guides and being worked into and end-times tizzy and sending your dollars to para-church-para-political organizations that insist the country is about to self-destruct and that we should focus on saving the nation instead of souls, and generally sully the Gospel of Christ as a mere political power struggle over who controls a nation instead of a kingdom.

Or, you can swallow the red pill and feel ever-increasing discomfort and misplaced anger and confusion and a feeling of being bound to the point of breaking while trying to find a way to not vote your conscience but merely live with your conscience.

If there were a white-pill analogy, I'd include it here and make it so we ended on a patriotic note.

Because I don't hate my country. I just love Christ so much more.

Labels: church life, politics, religion

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Old prayers from Planet Childhood.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 5 comments link this post

When I was a kid, this is what I prayed before I went to sleep:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

God bless mom and dad and Jacqui and Jerry and Ronna and Janet and Grandma and Grandpa and Grandma and Grandpa and Leland and MacGuire's and everyone else in the whole wide world amen.

I do not know who Leland is. I think he had a beard, but I'm not sure beyond that.

My recollection of the MacGuire's was an older couple who lived in a cabin near the Grand Tetons and had a lot of hummingbird feeders. I don't know that I'm accurately remembering them, beyond being sure about the hummingbird feeders. I'm pretty sure they've passed away since I was really little when this all went down.

This prayer, however, still stays in my head.

A good childhood is like another planet, one with a sweet haze that blankets everything and puts it into a fourth dimension of reality that sticks with a person after they've left. As an adult, I have a vague sense of specifics and an overwhelming sense of there being some kind of added excitement and wonder to the most regular of things.

Favorite books that I know better than to go back and read with my adult, cynical eyes. Favorite vacations, or restaurants*. Bible camp roommates. Visiting missionaries from Africa with exotic wooden toy animals. Exchange students from around the world. Vacations.

And old prayers.

Every once in a while, Leland gets prayed for, despite me not knowing who he is. His name is imprinted in my mind.

On Planet Childhood (if you had a good childhood), everything is big and important and free from context. At least, that's how it is once you leave it.

* The Casa Bonita in Denver had a mythical place in the minds of my sisters and I. We went there during a family reunion. It had a waterfall! Caves! Magic Show! It was mythical. So, a few years back when I was visiting a friend in Denver, I went to it hoping to recapture the joy. I killed it instead. The plates were dirty, the food so-so, the whole place smelled like chlorine from the lame waterfall, and the restaurant was in a strip mall. You can't revisit childhood, and you shouldn't try. Just let it stay sweet in the memory.

Labels: my life, religion

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Storage and burial.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 3 comments link this post

I'm not great with managing my money.

There's a reason I use a pencil in my checkbook register. It's tough to erase pen. I just don't keep track of it well. I don't remember when I've loaned people money, and I'd just as soon forget, anyway. I find money in coat pockets that I've not worn in a year. I think leaving large tips is a fun thing to do. I like to buy my co-workers a coffee drink when I go get one for myself at work. It's fun to do. I'm sure I come off as pretty wasteful. I don't save money well. I tend to burn right through it, sometimes on good things (trips to Nicaragua) or wasteful things (more books, Julie?!).

I'm sure people would categorize me as a bad steward. I feel a lot of guilt about money. We get all the material from Christian organizations telling of the importance of planning for retirement and learning to manage money better. Things like saving and investing and leaving it to a Bible college when I die. You know, good stewardship.

But sometimes?

I wonder at how Christians use the concept of retirement and "being good stewards of God's money" as a rationalization for not giving or a kind of sanitized hoarding.

You know, giving that means I don't get to say what happens once the money leaves my hand. Giving that says I don't get to be the judge of who is worthy or smart enough to use my money wisely. Giving that says "I'll give because I believe God is directing me to do it, even though I don't think this is a financially wise thing to do." Giving that doesn't determine who has used up their share of grace and deserving. Giving that says it isn't my money.

That's the key, really.

It's not my money.

That's where the story of the steward and the talents and the wise use of it all comes into play (Matthew 25:14-30). That's the proof used to ask Christians if we are good stewards of God's money, and often used to convince them to treat finances in an overly-careful, selectively-planned, less generous way.

You know the story.

Two men increased their talents through wise choices. One man buried it, the one who had the least. He was the fool, and lost it all in the end.

"We need to be good stewards of God's money and not use it unwisely," is the teaching. It's fathered all of the Christian ministries that advocate wise financial and retirement planning through saving and conscientious investing. "Be a good steward. Increase your finances so that when the time comes, you have doubled what God gave you."

That sounds pretty good to me. At first.

The foolish man was a bad steward; he buried his money.

We can bury money just as well in a bank account, and tell ourselves we're just being good stewards and making wise financial choices. We can carry that a step further and be "cautious" in our giving.

And the idea of retirement. There is no retirement plan in the Great Commission. Retirement based on our own means is a wrong mindset to acquire.

The two men who increased their talents didn't use them for retirement. They didn't increase them for the sake of merely growing them for security in later use. They increased it and gave it all back to the Master.

So I'm not good with money. I think I have some money in a mutual fund from back when I was a teacher. I have no idea what's happening with it. I suppose I ought to do something about it, but I don't care. I may not be wise, and not working to double, triple, and increase my funds through any means possible. But I don't want to bury my money, either. I'm not looking to store up treasures here on earth, either buried in the ground or in an account.

"You want this little bit of money, God? Well, take it. Tell me where you want me to give it."

He'll give me some more, when I need it, to give back. I need to remember that in moments of end-of-the-month panic. Weird place to be, torn between good stewardship and wastefulness and tight-fistedness.

Regardless of my poor example, I think we should stop telling Christians to financially plan for retirement in the manner that we are currently doing. It sounds wise but sets the heart for storage and burial.

Labels: essay, religion

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Giving as receiving.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 0 comments link this post

I've been emailing a friend about giving. He was apologizing for asking for help. I told him something that I hadn't actually understood until I wrote it, which is something that happens often.

One thing I learned about giving is that it is hard to receive. In the past 10 years, in regards to things financially, my "career" (jobs, etc.) life has been a bit of a joke, and I have discovered that God has caused me to become humble and understand better how I rely on Him in that I have many times had to ask people for help or accept help. Financial help is always difficult for me to accept, and I feel very embarrassed about it.

The other side is that by letting me help you, you are allowing me the gift of giving. I have a good, safe, healthy life, and so often I feel like I am on the receiving end from so many (God, family, etc.) -- it is good and necessary for me to understand both sides of giving. I want to thank YOU for, even if you feel embarrassed, letting me have the opportunity to help. I often pray to God to help me out financially, but I always feel that part of that is that I show Him I can give and be obedient in helping others. By letting me do that with you, you are part of the answer to my prayers and to what God is doing in both my life and yours.

It is very similar to the post I'd written about asking for help when we needed it.

It is difficult for me to receive anything -- money, compliments, help, love -- because I keep thinking I have to prove I can do it on my own and that I don't need anyone and that I'm tough enough. That's a huge lie, for one thing. But also, it means I've forgotten is that it isn't even about me. Denying the giver the opportunity to be faithful and obedient and going out on a limb and blessed by giving is a wrong and hurtful thing that I want no part of.

Receiving well is its own form of giving.

Labels: essay, friends, nicaragua 2008, religion

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Poster myths.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 4 comments link this post

For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.
-- Matthew 16:25

I've seen this video, the "Last Lecture" video of a dying professor, about six times recently; the blogosphere is filled with people posting it.

It's powerful.

Much of it I found myself nodding my head at. I appreciate his comments on attitude, and know I need to work on that. But then the end came around, the last part where the idea of karma and dreams coming to fulfillment, that set off the little warning bell in my head.

It's the same uneasiness I feel whenever I see the posters teachers hang in classrooms, or the books or pamphlets or slogans that are so often ingrained in the minds of youth and adults alike. Here are a few I've noticed:

Believe in yourself.
Pursue your dreams.
Don't let anyone stop you from achieving your dreams/goals.
Don't be bound by what you can't do/You can do anything you set your mind to!
Education is the place where dreams become a reality.

They sound good.

They're wrong.

They are myths on posters, insistent on telling us how we must be if we are to be healthy humans.

I know why they are used, certainly I do. The intention is good. It's to get people to not hate themselves, to try things that are difficult and outside of their comfort zone, to encourage effort and leaps of faith and a life fully lived. It's to give a kid an ounce of confidence when she doesn't have any.

But what they say is wrong.

It's not the truth.

There is no benefit in either extremes of existence, one of which is extreme self-belief and love and self-esteem, the other of which is wallowing in self-loathing to the point of excuse for inaction. Using one extreme to pry us out of the other doesn't touch the core issue which is, quite simply: less of me, more of Christ.

Believe in yourself?
Putting my belief in myself is laughable. What does it mean to believe in myself, anyway? What do I believe in, when I sign up for such a belief? Why should I esteem myself beyond what Christ has done for me and, now, in me? The important thing, in any situation, is never me.

Self believing in self is like recirculating water. It never grows fresh, but becomes stale. Mistaking the movement of the recirculation for freshness is foolish; it is already used, already a stagnant source. Pouring my belief and trust and hope back into myself is pouring old water back into the pool to become the source yet again. I must empty myself out of my dreams and pursuits, and watch as God pours back in what He has planned. I must let God be my source for worth and goals and dreams and direction. I am filled to overflowing with new, fresh, living water when I let Him do that.

My value cannot be found from me looking within, cannot be increased by platitudes telling me I'm "worth something." I am worth enough for Christ to die for me. There is my value. Nothing of such great value is found within me. My value comes not from me, nor from what dreams and goals I achieve. My value is found, quite simply, in Christ. He died for me. That is value that cannot be surpassed.

Pursue my dreams?
I ought to be encouraged to pursue God, the giver of dreams. Why pursue the created when the Creator is waiting? Am I ever satisfied when I achieve a goal or dream, or does it feed the drive for me to get more? What should I be pursuing?

Don't let anyone stop me from achieving my goals?
It sounds good but it often ends up, when mixed with human nature, to be a license to avoid wisdom wisely offered as well as learning to disregard other people and what I end up doing to them on my way to the top.

Wise advice? Questions on ethics? Possible hurt to people I love?

"I won't let anyone stop me from achieving my dreams!"

Isn't there any other way to encourage people to not easily give up?

Don't be bound by what I can't do?
Yes...but who gives me the ability to do what I do? Am I not also bound by believing everything is possible by me because of me and what I can do? All things are possible, but with God. It is not in me nor of me nor up to me.

Education is the place where dreams become reality?
Wisdom and knowledge are not the same. The pursuit of knowledge is a quick trap, and easily leads to knowledge becoming the god.

-------------

None of this, of course, will make no sense to anyone who is not a follower of Christ. For a Christian, the messages that speak to self are deadly, but for a non-Christian, they sound right and true and good. They are an attempt at a stand-in for something to believe and take strength in.

Drumming the ideas of self-importance and self-reliance and self, self, self into people creates discontentment, wrong focus, selfishness, and a false trust and belief in self that negates an understanding of their need for God.

I do not esteem myself. I do not believe in myself. I cannot do anything I put my mind to. I have no desire to relentlessly, at all costs, pursue my dreams. I want to deny self, and not have it encouraged.

These statements sound horrifying. We are constantly told the opposite! I loathe the self I see inside of me, and daily I try to overcome what it represents. It is anathema to everything we are told is healthy and necessary to be productive in life. But I question the idea that life must be "productive" and that we must constantly be striving for the next achievement, and that we must "never let go of our dreams."

What does pick up the cross daily and deny myself mean, if I have my hands full of my own dreams and pursuits that I can't even get a grip on the cross much less see where I should be carrying it?

I want God's dreams to be my dreams. I want His time to be my time. I want to live for Christ -- for Christ, not for pursuit of dreams or the pursuit of happiness -- and forget about myself.

I've grown to rather despise these kinds of platitudes that sound so good and have everyone nodding as they sip down the most delicate of poison. They don't hold up well in light of personal crisis, depression, and cultures of extreme poverty and distress. Try telling a Dalit, for example, that he ought to believe in himself and that he can be anything he puts his mind to and if he pursues his dream it will sooner or later come back around to him. It's not the truth.

::Read more about the background of this post, and download the handwritten notes I took as I worked through some of the ideas presented below, here.::

Labels: essay, religion

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Not your prerogative.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 3 comments link this post

Hence, as it is not within my power not to be a man, so it is not my prerogative to be without a woman. Again, as it is not in your power not to be a woman, so it is not your prerogative to be without a man. For it is not a matter of free choice or decision but a natural and necessary thing, that whatever is a man must have a woman and whatever is a woman must have a man.
--Martin Luther, on marriage

I'm guessing this doesn't fit into the "fish without a bicycle" concept.

Nor does it fit in with a couple of comments on the most-commented post on my blog, the ever infamous "Useful chick info for residents of guyville."

Comment: But [men] don't NEED a woman the same as a woman needs a man... [Women] NEED men.... I am so convinced that the relationship with a woman and a man is so complex and misunderstood mostly by women.

Me: The writer of this must have been a man... balance "in this area" surely won't be coming as long as every guy is walking around thinking he is God's gift to women. There's your trouble right there.

Comment: "every guy is walking around thinking he is God's gift to women". Here's the real trouble, in a way he IS.

Me, getting annoyed: ...men need women and women need men. Albeit, in their own unique ways, yes, but the need is bi-directional. It goes both ways. I would never be a person to think that God would create half of the human race to not need the other half. The only disproportionate need is hierarchical, that of all humans needing him. Unless, of course, you think men are higher than women.

And, after 90+ comments and about four or five different posts on different blogs and me talking in circles and arrive at a place I didn't even necessarily agree with, there goes Luther, being Luther:

God has himself exempted three categories of men, saying in Matthew 19 [:12], "There are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven." Apart from these three groups, let no man presume to be without a spouse. And whoever does not fall within one of these three categories should not consider anything except the estate of marriage.

And then, once you read further and get past more than one whiff of Luther's anti-Semitism, you have this:

For this reason young men should be on their guard when they read pagan books and hear the common complaints about marriage, lest they inhale poison. For the estate of marriage does not set well with the devil, because it is God's good will and work.

This entire discourse on the Estate of Marriage was an interesting read (I use the word "interesting" to cover a gamut of opinions). Luther was very happy to write about nearly every subject with, uh, exacting detail. Upon reading this, my first thoughts went back to those comments from the post I shared above. They were comments that have grated and made no sense whatsoever whenever they come to mind: women need men, men don't need women.

I still maintain that that is a bunch of crap, whether or not Luther would agree.

(And I think Luther probably would use the word "crap.")

Labels: relationships, religion

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Something beautiful, something wounded.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 2 comments link this post

::Read the background of this post here. The video embedded in this post is low-quality and compressed and the music/photos aren't lined up as they should be in the full version... it'll only be online for a short while.::

They dress the wound of my people
as though it were not serious
-- Jeremiah 6:14

What is the message? What is my prayer?

My prayer is always -- always -- that I might see.

Be Thou My Vision.

Why do I go? Who is it for? Am I afraid of forgetting? Why is life unjust? Why don't I see the beauty? Do I try to bring help and healing superficially? If I do nothing, do I really have vision? Is blindness little more than seeing needs and hurt as nothing?

More than anything, in spite or because of my questions, I want to do something beautiful for You. Because I love you.

Labels: music, nicaragua, nicaragua 2008, religion

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Having character without being a character.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 2 comments link this post

My mom, after reading my initial post upon returning from Nicaragua, forwarded* me a devotion, by Phil Ware writing for Heartlight.com, that she gets in her email each day. This particular installment, on February 11, featured Proverbs 2:11. Ware wrote:

My greatest mistakes have been made in haste, when I didn't allow a little prayer time to consider what I was going to do or say.

The devotion contained a short prayer at the end, which included this:

Forgive me Father, for I fear that I am more often a "character" than I am a person of character. Forgive my selfish desire to play to the crowd. I confess that I sometimes try to be witty and popular, rather than being a person of discretion, understanding, and integrity...

"I know that being careful of what I say, is important to me...God made you special to be his vessel, and it isn't dependent on the behavior of others. Listen to what God is saying to you," mom said in the email.

In a conversation with a friend after this year's trip, I discovered a similar level of hurt regarding teasing.

"What we should do next year," I told her, "is have some kind of 'safe' word or something that meant we wanted to be serious for a second. I didn't feel like I could ever talk about anything serious with some people because it would be met with joking. I'm sure others felt like we did, too."

You know, I am better than I used to be, in this regards.

As I get older, I have slowly learned that I don't have to throw out every witty retort that comes to mind (and there are an awful lot). I find myself merely smiling or saying something so far from witty that I probably come off as a dullard. I used to be really sharp and "witty" with everyone and just threw out everything that came to mind with no thought as to how it would hurt. I really do hold most of that in now, though I slip up frequently.

I find this extremely difficult.

Words and witty comebacks are what I'm good at. It's my defense and my weapon and the only way I can retain thick skin and not get hurt. It's a terrible thing to have that as a "skill" because controlling it... well, go read the book of James. Not saying anything and just smiling or being "dull" means I don't put up the shield and that I let the darts hit. I don't return fire for fire, joke for joke.

Painful. Hard to exist. People say things like "can't you take a joke" or "where's your sense of humor?" or "I'm just joking, having fun" or, worse yet, "you used to be funny."

I'm trying to control my tongue! I want to yell back. Which I can't do, since...I'm trying to control my tongue.

I end up walking around wary and sore and still struggling to control my tongue knowing the next round will commence before I'm ready.

I've noticed in the past few year or so, as I've tried to curb what I say, that I'm getting hurt more by people by things I would have been able to laugh and shrug off and return with a pointed blow. I'm not sure how this works, but I don't think I should return to where I came from even though I can't say I like this new way of existence.

In moments of thinking how I would like to be as a follower of Christ, I tell myself I would rather seem to be a dullard than maintain my reputation for slicing and dicing with verbal skills. But, in the actual presence of people when I feel like I can easily return as good as I get or if I feel like someone is getting the best of me and I'm cornered and feeling hurt and I can't find a way to be humble about it and just let it go...I sometimes forget that and neglect to do what Ware talked about in his writing. Besides, I admit that I don't want to be thought of as dull. I want to be thought of as smart and witty and funny. It's about all I have going for me, I think. People walk away from dull people, and I want people to talk to me, you know.

Somewhere, I think (hope), is a middle ground where I don't have to be an idiot or lose my sense of humor, but I also don't have to take pot shots at people and hurt them. I do not want to hurt people. I want people to feel safe when they come to me, needing to talk about something serious, knowing I won't abuse the privilege or use that against them in a "joke" later. I love to joke around, but I know how joking escalates. Control! So difficult.

Ware is right: I have rarely ever, ever, ever been regretful of times when I held my tongue and said nothing. But I have had more than enough cleanup work and regret from all the times I opened my yap and put someone in their place.

--------------------------

*Yes, we do live in the same house but forward emails to each other. I'm better on "paper", which is something I have to work on. I say more if I write it out than I would ever speak.

Labels: family, nicaragua, nicaragua 2008, personal, religion

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The word of our testimony.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 3 comments link this post

Oscar, having just given his testimony to the group.

"And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death."
-- Revelation 12:11

Oscar, one of our interpreters who, like all of them, because a close friend and a part of our family, gave his testimony during morning devotions. It was a powerful story, and you can download and read his testimony using the links at the bottom of this post.

We talked about the power of our own testimony. Cecil pointed out that a testimony isn't just a conversion story, or a story of coming from the far depths. It was, instead, telling what God has done in our life.

For many years I dreaded being asked to give a testimony because I thought that it had to be a sordid conversion story and I had none to tell. I figured it was a one-time story I'd sit down and write and then, for the rest of my life, repeat it over and over. I grew up in the church and don't recall a specific moment of conversion. I have lived a pretty "sanitized" life in all ways and have nothing to say to make an audience gasp. My testimony, I now see, is God's grace keeping me from being harmed and helping me make good choices by creating a disinterest in me in the things that might do damage. My testimony, my story, changes as God continues to work.

"People can't refute what happened to you like they can argue other points," Cecil said.

Herman, one of our other interpreters, pointed to the story of blind Bartimaeus in Mark 10, and reminded us that Bartimaeus never shut up in an effort to be healed by Jesus.

"People rebuked him," Herman said, "and people may do something to discourage you, too, but don't shut up. Too often we Christians keep our mouths shut."

What Herman said reminded me of an article I'd read a few weeks before our trip. The article, "Practical Atheism", was from World Magazine, written by Joel Belz. He said, essentially, that we promote an atheistic God-free existence by merely staying silent and keeping God out of our everyday conversations. By not giving the word of my testimony, by not keeping God in my ready language and conversations, by not filling all thought and talk with the things of God in some manner, by separating "normal" life from "spiritual" life (there is no separation!), I am giving strength a kind of practical atheism.

For all my general senseless yammering, I'm too quick to shut up. I certainly don't proffer up my testimony, whether it be a brief moment of sharing or a longer story. I don't go around plying people with what God has done in my life. I'm sure being an introvert has something to do with it since I don't generally go around plying people for anything, but part of the problem is that I'm not constantly thinking in those terms. My mind isn't set in a way that sees God's hand in everything but instead allots Him a little here and there and unconsciously relegates the rest to random life or "unimportant" stuff that no one would really care to be bothered with.

About four years ago, Michael had the members of the Sunday School class give their testimony. Now, he'll say he didn't make us do it, but I'll say he "strongly encouraged" us to do it. It was, really, the first time I'd ever stood up in front of a large group and talked for a great length of time (about 40 minutes or so) on what God had done and was doing in my life. The power of sharing my testimony became very real: by speaking it out, I heard it aloud for the first time. Giving the story of my life organization and structure, and forcing myself to look at it with purpose and meaning -- and then speaking it aloud! -- pulled it out of some faint place and made it solid. It was real. God was real. He really did something in my life, and was still doing something.

Coming back from Nicaragua and writing these posts on what God did through the group, is testimony. Writing a blog post about personal struggles in my life and what God is working on, is testimony. Speaking up in discussions and sharing in church or Sunday school, is testimony. Sharing prayer requests aloud is a kind of "preemptive" testimony of faith and belief, if not what God is or will do.

I would very much like to become more like Bartimaeus in his inability to shut up and be more desirous of sharing the word of my testimony, whatever it might be that day. I appreciate Oscar, and how, when I emailed and asked him if I could share his testimony on this web site, responded that he wanted everyone -- everyone! -- to know what the Lord was doing in his life, and what he is still doing.

Links:

Oscar's testimony (PDF)
Oscar's story (PDF)
Video of Oscar's testimony (coming soon)

Labels: friends, nicaragua, nicaragua 2008, religion

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Cristo team.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 0 comments link this post

Two beautiful boys, part of Christ's Team.

"He who is not with me is against me..."
-- Matthew 12:30

I'm known for getting into discussions and arguments on various Christian and theology related topics.

I usually kick myself for wasting the time after it's all said and done since little is accomplished beyond everyone becoming more entrenched in their own ideas and multiple bridges being burned. I rather tend to forget the simple idea of Luke 9:50. A similar idea resurfaces again in Luke 10:16 and 11:23. It also appears in Matthew 12:30 (as show above). Essentially, the line is clear: we are either for Christ or against Him. Nothing in between.

Really, I spend a lot of time -- as do other Christians -- splitting hairs about the degree a person is "for" Christ versus the degree they are "against" Christ when Jesus himself did not make such quantifiable distinctions. I throw out a lot of flak and end up muddying the clarity of those verses. We are either for or against. If I am not for, I am against.

As we were passing out food to families in the community we were working in down in Nicaragua, I happened to glance up and notice the words painted on the side of the home we were standing in front of: Cristo Team.

I liked that.

Simple. Clear. Not over-wrought and mangled.

Christ Team.

Isn't that it, really? Not "I am Assembly of God" or "I am Reformed" or "I am Arminian" but, instead, "I am for Christ."

I am on Christ's Team.

Labels: nicaragua, nicaragua 2008, religion

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Restoration for a moment.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 0 comments link this post

Awaiting a plate of food.

"A miracle in healing is not the conjuring of some magic, nor a disruption in the created order, or something supernatural. Rather, healing exemplifies the redemption of fallen creation, the restoration of the created order, the return to the usual, the normative, the natural."

-- William Stringfellow, A simplicity of Faith: My Experience in Mourning

Instead of providing a little snack for the children during the four-day children's crusade, we provided a full meal at noon. The story isn't in our change of mind or heart or in the logistics and reason for doing it. I'm not going to make a fishes and loaves analogy, either. The story is the miracle of small things and all things, the restoration Stringfellow talks about, and how we see through a glass darkly.

The usual question I ask and hear on these trips to Nicaragua is why I

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The gift of hospitality.

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The theory of enough.

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Better on paper.

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Follow the leader.

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Vote my conscience?

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Old prayers from Planet Childhood.

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Storage and burial.

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Giving as receiving.

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Poster myths.

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Not your prerogative.

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Something beautiful, something wounded.

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Having character without being a character.

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The word of our testimony.

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Cristo team.

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Restoration for a moment.