Julie R. Neidlinger: Lone Prairie Blog

The bad advice provided by Dove chocolates.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 1 comments link this post

You'll find this hard to believe, but I realized I hadn't had chocolate candy for over three weeks.

(I'll pause while you get back on your chair.)

I suppose the chocolate neglect may be attributed to the "Incredible Shrinking Stomach Thanks To Nicaragua" and "I Have A Fridge and Access to Food!" epic adventure of the past few months that I've not really chronicled in great detail on this blog (for which I know you are thankful).

To remedy the situation, I bought some Dove chocolates. These had "vitamins" in them (as useful as vitamin-infused Diet Coke, I imagine). Dove is decent chocolate, for the price. Plus, Dove offers free advice in the wrapper.

Today I felt a little down and thought some advice would be nice.

Dove has clearly identified their core customer as women, based on some of the sayings I've found in Dove candy over the years. Very few hit on anything that would remotely appeal to a man. The advice given in this recent purchase was what I've come to expect when you use candy as a psychologist.

1. Laugh, laugh and then laugh some more. Maybe not the best advice if you work for a funeral home. And, if you're one of those women with a horse laugh, consider fulfilling this in private.

2. Forget the rules and play by your heart. That's actually some fairly lousy advice, though it sounds pretty good. Good enough for one of those round Oprah book club stickers, probably. I can think of several times in life that not playing by the rules will get you killed, arrested, or have your vehicle or recreational device impounded.

3. Break the mold, be extraordinary! The irony here is that most of us spend our lives trying to fit in and, essentially, be ordinary. Being extraordinary actually has a high price to pay in both social and emotional aspects. That, of course, is difficult to fit on a foil wrapper, so we'll have to accept the truncated version instead.

4. Forget the potholes in the road and celebrate the journey instead! Well, that may be, but I know of a road in Nicaragua, between Leon and Poneloya, that will have you running for the bathroom once you reach your destination. You can call that a "celebration" if you want, but you'll not be forgetting those potholes -- or the journey -- any time soon.

There are likely several other philosophical gems in the package of Dove chocolates that I have yet to discover, and I know that you want me to continue my research; I'll get to it, straight away.

No need to thank me. I'm only all too willing to make this sacrifice.