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The theory of 180.
written by Julie R. Neidlinger 12 comments link this postEvery so often I realize with a great deal of pain that I forgot everything I told myself not to forget. This, for example. Or this tidy little summation. Or, maybe this, which I didn't really write but latched onto in a later post. Or maybe I ought to remember just about any and all things I've written here.
But I don't remember my own writing, my own ideas, my own admonitions. I'm all or nothing, even in remembering and forgetting.
I was doing my usual archiving and computer cleanup a few days ago and I realized I'd sent one person 175 emails to his 75. 70 percent of the communication, the effort, was mine. Staring at the numbers, which are facts that can't be shushed even by all my best intentions, continued acquiescence, or excuses for all of the allowances I repeatedly made, I finally saw the real picture.
175 emails.
"I think I need to set up a quota at 180," I said lightly in an email, though I didn't feel light about it. That, by the way, raised my tally to 176.
180.
Half a sphere. I need to find some new spheres: new friends, new places, new direction. The sphere I'm in is apparently not holding what I am looking for.
I've done borrowed; I'm familiar with being blue. I'm tired of the old; I want something new.
180.
A stop. A change in direction. I know what I want and I see that my current direction isn't getting me there. Instead, I feel stupid and embarrassed and left hung out to dry from nothing but my own refusal to see a dead end. Repeated rejection from various sources for over a decade doesn't numb as well as you think it would. Not to mention, I didn't even follow my own strong suggestions about not pursuing, about not being a stationary object, about struggling with silence and pretending it was OK -- all of that. Not only am I rejected, but I am so foolish that I failed to understand my own writing.
180.
How long do you need to know someone before it finally becomes clear that nothing is ever going to happen? How strong of a message do you need before you finally see the obvious?
For me, it hits somewhere around 180 emails.
Sometimes, its time for a 180.
Labels: personal, relationships
Copyright (c) Julie R. Neidlinger 5/10/2008 07:21:00 PM
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12 Comments:
Julie --
One of the most difficult things for us to do is to move on, to leave circumstances that are familiar, if not necessarily comfortable. It is the routine, the sameness of our lives that provides a level of security. It helps us avoid taking risks.
So we often find ourselves in a self-imposed rut that, while perhaps stifling our souls, is, in a perverse way, comforting. There can be an inertia to this that is almost impossible to overcome.
But we all reach a point where it is necessary to move on, to overcome. It is a difficult thing to do, and many times a painful thing to do. Yet, after a time, we look back in wonder at why it took us so long to move on, why we were so afraid of the changes moving on would bring.
I don't know what your particular circumstances are. I do know that if you are feeling strongly the need for change then you should take the necessary steps to do so.
Keep in mind that you have some very good friends who will be there for you if you should feel the need.
Rey
By 
Rey, at
10/5/08 20:45
Boys are stupid.
By girlfriday, at
12/5/08 21:32
Thanks, G.F., but sometimes I just think I'm stupid.
As in, shouldn't I get it by now? How stupid.
I hope I get to see you in a week or so. We can talk.
By Julie R. Neidlinger, at
12/5/08 23:06
The trouble with boys is that most never grow up to become men.
By Will, at
12/5/08 23:20
I'm sure there's something I'm not seeing here, but a ratio of 75 replies to 175 seems pretty good to me. If it were 7 to 175, that would be a different matter.
By Michael Bates, at
13/5/08 08:17
You could be right, Michael.
(Of course, you're a guy.)
70 percent doesn't sound OK to me, though.
(Of course, I'm a chick.)
By Julie R. Neidlinger, at
13/5/08 09:50
A good man knows a good thing when he sees it, and he doesn't let it go.
While I know that men generally don't feel the euphoria of a new relationship like a woman does (and this manifests itself in a variety of ways), a good man will be respectful enough to reply to emails.
Julie, my brother used to say that one of the undeniable facts of life is that Men Are Jerks and Women Are Stupid.
By girlfriday, at
13/5/08 10:22
I have stupid firmly in my grasp.
By Julie R. Neidlinger, at
13/5/08 11:07
Girl Friday --
I'm not sure I agree with you. Men can and do feel the euphoria of a new relationship, sometimes to the point of giddiness, in ways that are similar to how women feel.
As for not responding to e-mails (or any other form of communication for that matter), I see that as more an issue of poor breeding; of not having been taught proper manners. And that can be found in women as well as men.
Of course, this isn't meant to suggest that Julie's circumstances aren't as she has said.
By Rey, at
13/5/08 11:40
Well, regardless, any "euphoria" I may have had has been solidly replaced by the usual feelings of annoyance, disappointment, frustration, and, eventually boredom and lack of interest.
Whether 70 percent sounds "good" or not, it's more a matter of the old idea of giving people worth by showing that they matter to you. 30 percent isn't even a good rain forecast, much less a great way of saying "yes, I am interested in you and think you have enough value that I will put out the effort to let you know that."
I just don't understand why people don't see other people for what they are and hold onto them, like GF said. Unless, of course, this person didn't see anything needing holding onto. Which is also likely and I can't really begrudge a person for that. I mean, it's not like there aren't plenty of other people in the world, far more wonderful than I. I certainly don't claim to be the most amazing or wonderful person on the planet (which is made evident in such moments like this).
Mainly, just more disappointment. But, it'll pass. I have some new things that'll be happening on the horizon and who knows where it'll lead.
By Julie R. Neidlinger, at
13/5/08 12:17
Well, Rey, we could spend all year comparing notes, but it wouldn't do any good because I wouldn't understand yours and you wouldn't understand mine.
So let's speak in generalities. In general, women are more likely to imagine a future with (e.g. happily ever after), and focus their time and attention on a man earlier on in a "relationship." This means she will spend more time thinking about him and doing something about it! (It has to do with our ability to multi-task. You should try it sometime. Wink.)
As for good versus bad breeding, even well-bred men can be cowards.
Anywho, thanks for stopping by girlfriday, rey.
By girlfriday, at
14/5/08 09:43
As for multi-tasking, I teach 150 hormonally crazed adolescents every day. The definition of multi-tasking...
By Rey, at
14/5/08 11:21
