The same invisibility.
written by Julie R. Neidlinger 1 comments link this postI sent a photo to a friend recently that showed what I looked like about four or five years ago. I was much, much heavier. My friend hadn't known me then, so it may have been a little surprise. I'm not skinny now, by any means, but I do look different.
There's the usual "wow, you worked hard!" and "you look great now!" and, of course, "you are so different now!" kinds of comments when people see photos from then (which is nice and encouraging), but there's something I never really tell anyone: to me, there is little difference.
It's all about invisibility.
The same thing that made me overeat is the same thing that makes me more and more uninterested in food now: the desire to disappear. I didn't make a change beyond how I shifted an attitude as it applied to food. There's no real difference.
I've said it to friends and even on this blog, that I'd like to disappear. It's usually taken as "disappear off the grid for a while, on a wee bit of a vacation."
No. I mean, disappear.
Be invisible.
If you're invisible, being ignored isn't such a big deal; it's to be expected. There's a certain peace about it.
Being heavy was a paradox. I was larger in actual size, yes, but I found I was invisible. People didn't see me. I was, perhaps, just another "fat person" and I wasn't noticed. There was something to that that I liked and took comfort in. It allowed me to find a way to live through the things that made me unhappy because, in the pit of it, I could say "I'm invisible, it doesn't matter." Being ignored made sense and I could easily lay it on my weight instead of any other more painful and less superficial reason. I've lost some weight but there is still an element of being ignored going on that now bothers me more than when I was heavy because it shouldn't still be there. I'm no longer defined (in my mind, at least) as invisible, on either ends of the scale, so now feeling as such is actually a kind of acute hurt. I don't actually know what to do with myself; it's like the invisible man suddenly put on a suit and can be seen for who he is.
To be invisible, you need to be really heavy, or nothing to you.
Note: This post was pre-written and published as scheduled. Read more about this here.
Labels: food, health, personal, women
Copyright (c) Julie R. Neidlinger 5/16/2008 01:00:00 PM
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1 Comments:
Invisible? Why? Does it make sense, that in the end we all are deeply invisible to everyone else. How much can anyone know anyone? I think, maybe, that the physical act of being invisible is an excuse so you need not know anyone, or anyone know you. If I were invisible I would have obligations to anyone, and no one would have obligations to me. The deepest thing about it is that no matter how little we know someone and no matter how little we are known, there is God. Who beyond all of our comprehension has the deepest knowledge of who we are. I'm sorry to tell you this, you will never be invisible, but you will always be unknown to everyone except God.
By 
Cabes, at
17/5/08 09:59
