Propriety's sake.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger      2 comments      link this post     


When speaking or writing indirectly, for propriety's sake, someone always gets hurt. I'm starting to see that this happens rather regularly on this blog, and I blame it on my ineptness with words and ideas. I don't want my writing to hurt people. It does. But I don't want it to. I try not to write while angry. Sometimes I fail.

Let's discuss that repeated failure. I'm a masochist, and discussing my failures is a true delight.

It's not about you
In attempts to discuss or handle a situation without directly naming names or detailing specific situations, I write something in a way that confuses and makes someone think it is about them.

How else, though, can I say "this is not about you, but about a larger concept?", if I don't name names?

It would, probably, be better to say nothing and avoid the confusion. This blog would then turn into a kitty blog or, worse, yet another political blog. Conundrum!

Sometimes I have to say something; the situation either calls for it or I have to address a point on this blog to stop people from wondering about changes and silence and anything that occurs that isn't part of the accustomed experience here at Lone Prairie.

For example, I hate announcing when I'm going to stop blogging for a while, which I do about twice a year. I'd like to just do it. I don't like explaining. I'm used to, since I'm a bit of a loner, doing my own thing and not feeling obligated to explain myself.

Do you know what happens if I just stop blogging for even five days?

I get emails wondering if I'm OK. Lots of them, from kind friends and readers and strangers, and it exhausts me. I love people for caring, and I think the world needs more caring. I love that I have readers that are concerned.

But it still exhausts me.

I'm not sure there's a solution to that.

It's not about you, and I don't mean that to say you're not important. I mean that you are too important to be whipped into pain and guilt from something written on some silly blog. It's not about you. It's all generic.

The missing confidant
I don't really have a person in my life that functions as a true "confidant", which doesn't alarm me most of the time. I have a pretty good mechanism in my head which lets me sort through things and write things in journals and pray and come to a place of understanding. I don't run to my girlfriends in a crisis situation since I've learned that it can quickly be made a habit and a very bad one if such people aren't available in a moment of need. Then what? Crisis! A crisis that begets crisis! I gotta carry the necessary tools with me, ready to use at any given moment.

Sure, I have close friends I tell some things to, but nothing extremely personal which might lead to weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. I keep distance safely in place. Generally, when asked how my day went, or what's new or going on in my life, I do a quick inventory and decide if its worth the work of telling, wondering how best to phrase it to get the main news across without delving deeply. Sometimes I give a quick summary, but generally, I just say that there's nothing new and everything is good and going well.

Frankly, life is pretty good, if I really think about it in proper perspective.

And so, I don't really share extremely personal stuff with anyone. On the rare occasion when I have done so, I've always regretted it. It ends up being one of those moments where I never hear back from a person or, in the midst of saying something important to me, they interrupt with something like "I have to go feed the cat." While I agree it is important that cats remain fed...it's rather excruciating to have it happen in the midst of personal excavation. That always makes me feel really stupid, and to try and pick up where we left off later...well. It just doesn't work. The moment is gone, you know? And when I don't hear back from someone...boy, do I feel stupid. "Here. Here's something personal and I'm obviously being open and am in an easily wounded position now that I've told you, giving you some kind of ammunition. Now ignore me. Thank you. Your work here is done. I can go home knowing that you'll either use it against me later or that my biggest personal stuff isn't worth even the time to acknowledge it and therefore, my personal worth is equivalent. Neat." (i.e. the three gazillion posts on this blog on the damaging effects of silence.)

The lack of a confidant in my life means, firstly, that I'm not going to be using a random blog readership as that position. I know it seems that I do, for some of my personal posts seem very personal.

That's not even close to what's going on inside. And, I think you know from your own life, that there are much, much deeper things than that mucking about in your own mind and heart. I've read blogs that really are extremely personal and it always feels like watching the Ricki Lake Show, that uncomfortable embarrassment and pity from the revelation of Too Much Information.

It also means, in terms of this post and blog, that absolutely no one has enough information to extrapolate a post being only and specifically about them. There are a few exceptions, but generally, no. This is a pretty good thing, if you think about it.

A varied audience
So here I sit, with a blog that has personal-tinged posts with a readership that ranges from family to close friend to "virtual" friend to random search-hit visitor to complete stranger, and I try to find a way to write honestly for the majority of them, trying to make some smidgen of generic, universal sense out of the personal details and lessons that occur in my life.

Impossible.

And so, no matter what I do whether in what I write or what I don't write, I know people wonder if I'm talking about them. And now, with my new "email policy", I've essentially told you to not ask.

The Lone Prairie Blog, made of 98 percent catch-22's, and 2 percent non-sequiturs! Whee!*

It's the best I can do. I'm sorry. If it applies to you in any way, what I write, don't take it as a personal assault and instead glean whatever you can use to make a good change and go on from there. If it doesn't apply to you in any way, then you're good to go.

A few secrets:

• I don't harbor anger. I may blow up in a flash, but it dies and I forget. I'm exceedingly forgetful, and I'm not joking. So, I'm not sitting here, steaming and plotting in anger, about things that happen. Particularly if I've written about them. I've already gotten them out. Sometimes I make a draft post on a topic and build on it and tweak it over time before publishing it, which makes it seem like I'm still harping on something old that I should have moved past. Eh.
  


• I also don't use this blog as a way to pointedly get one specific person (except for about three posts which I will not be pointing out because I was stupid). If I'm to the point of writing about something -- for example, people remaining silent, or why we should write letters to each other, or why I can't take any more personal emails from readers -- rest assured that it comes after a multitude of occurrences in my life and I the camel's back was broken. It wasn't just one person I was trying to go after. It was the collection of events which became a noticeable pattern which led me to blog about it. i.e. it wasn't about you specifically.


• This blog, like all blogs, has a kind of backstage area of drafts and notes and ideas and emails and life that go into the final, end-resulting post that you see. I tried, blandly, a few times to let readers in on a tiny part of that backstage here, but really, there's so much more to it.
  

I'm aware of the irony
And why am I writing this post now? Ironically, in answer to specific people's reaction. Because, after the "Changes" post, I received a hefty handful of communication wondering, worriedly, if I was upset with someone specific.

"Is it me? Did I do something to hurt you?"

"Did I make you angry?"

This promptly made me feel bad about making others feel bad which is a completely vicious cycle known only to extreme empathizers and placaters. Which is why I had to change my email policy in the first place because it was starting to happen on an exponential level with people I don't even really know. Oh, the emotional weight! Ye gads!

"I don't write posts specifically! I don't! Except this one!"

Lone Prairie: the Bi-Polar Blog.

Best advice for now
Just take the blog posts for what they're worth (which might be nothing) as you read them, see what you can find in there of use, don't take it personally, and don't assume you know the real story and that I'm talking about you. There's a lot I don't tell. It's impossible to make that decision correctly with the little detail I provide. The last thing I want is guilt and panic in friends and readers over whether or not they rocked my world in a negative way.

Despite appearances, I'm pretty stable. No worries, OK? Just take what you can that is useful for you and use it. Don't take it personally. I know this is difficult; I make everything personal which is something I'm always working to overcome.

::Not everything is personal, Julie, remember that! Stop being defensive! Make the necessary change in your life and let go of the hurt and worry about what someone else thinks! Less drama! Just let people go when they want to go! Shed some of that stuff from your life! Quit trying to hold onto everything and everyone and make everyone happy and entrap yourself into a prison of status quo!
--The thoughts in my head, which, do indeed, contain that many exclamation points.::

Someday I hope to reach that magical zenith of the True Poet where, with just a few well-chosen words, I can beautifully sum up the correct idea and leave no confusion as to who it does and does not apply to. Actually, if I were really good, I would be able to write in a way that applied to everyone universally, gleaning life's lessons from life instead of hopping around in my specifics. No one would feel pinpointed distress, for it would apply to us all.

I'm not even close to "there." Does "there" even exist?

Summation
For propriety's sake, I try to talk about things I've learned from situations in my own life without being specific in names and events, if possible. And that leads to confusion. I apologize.

I'm really not upset with anyone. I feel pretty good about the decision to keep my real-life friends real, to keep my focus focused, and to keep my emotional baggage small and easily portable.

I'm not angry or hatin' you. I really am not. In fact, I think you're great.

And now, after one of the most boring, ego-centered, "look at me look at me", incestuous, self-fulfilling posts on my blog about my own bloody blog...let's call it done. Sound good?

(Whew! I'm as relieved and tired out after all of that as you are!)

Related post: Cryptic Keeper


* I was, however, assured that I've only been close to "batshit crazy" on one occasion; actually, it was just a few days ago. That's good to know. I try to keep guano madness down to a respectable level here at Lone Prairie.

Labels: blogging

Copyright (c) Julie R. Neidlinger      3/27/2008 12:07:00 PM      (2) comments      Links to this post    
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