Having character without being a character.
written by Julie R. Neidlinger 2 comments link this postMy mom, after reading my initial post upon returning from Nicaragua, forwarded* me a devotion, by Phil Ware writing for Heartlight.com, that she gets in her email each day. This particular installment, on February 11, featured Proverbs 2:11. Ware wrote:
My greatest mistakes have been made in haste, when I didn't allow a little prayer time to consider what I was going to do or say.
The devotion contained a short prayer at the end, which included this:
Forgive me Father, for I fear that I am more often a "character" than I am a person of character. Forgive my selfish desire to play to the crowd. I confess that I sometimes try to be witty and popular, rather than being a person of discretion, understanding, and integrity...
"I know that being careful of what I say, is important to me...God made you special to be his vessel, and it isn't dependent on the behavior of others. Listen to what God is saying to you," mom said in the email.
In a conversation with a friend after this year's trip, I discovered a similar level of hurt regarding teasing.
"What we should do next year," I told her, "is have some kind of 'safe' word or something that meant we wanted to be serious for a second. I didn't feel like I could ever talk about anything serious with some people because it would be met with joking. I'm sure others felt like we did, too."
You know, I am better than I used to be, in this regards.
As I get older, I have slowly learned that I don't have to throw out every witty retort that comes to mind (and there are an awful lot). I find myself merely smiling or saying something so far from witty that I probably come off as a dullard. I used to be really sharp and "witty" with everyone and just threw out everything that came to mind with no thought as to how it would hurt. I really do hold most of that in now, though I slip up frequently.
I find this extremely difficult.
Words and witty comebacks are what I'm good at. It's my defense and my weapon and the only way I can retain thick skin and not get hurt. It's a terrible thing to have that as a "skill" because controlling it... well, go read the book of James. Not saying anything and just smiling or being "dull" means I don't put up the shield and that I let the darts hit. I don't return fire for fire, joke for joke.
Painful. Hard to exist. People say things like "can't you take a joke" or "where's your sense of humor?" or "I'm just joking, having fun" or, worse yet, "you used to be funny."
I'm trying to control my tongue! I want to yell back. Which I can't do, since...I'm trying to control my tongue.
I end up walking around wary and sore and still struggling to control my tongue knowing the next round will commence before I'm ready.
I've noticed in the past few year or so, as I've tried to curb what I say, that I'm getting hurt more by people by things I would have been able to laugh and shrug off and return with a pointed blow. I'm not sure how this works, but I don't think I should return to where I came from even though I can't say I like this new way of existence.
In moments of thinking how I would like to be as a follower of Christ, I tell myself I would rather seem to be a dullard than maintain my reputation for slicing and dicing with verbal skills. But, in the actual presence of people when I feel like I can easily return as good as I get or if I feel like someone is getting the best of me and I'm cornered and feeling hurt and I can't find a way to be humble about it and just let it go...I sometimes forget that and neglect to do what Ware talked about in his writing. Besides, I admit that I don't want to be thought of as dull. I want to be thought of as smart and witty and funny. It's about all I have going for me, I think. People walk away from dull people, and I want people to talk to me, you know.
Somewhere, I think (hope), is a middle ground where I don't have to be an idiot or lose my sense of humor, but I also don't have to take pot shots at people and hurt them. I do not want to hurt people. I want people to feel safe when they come to me, needing to talk about something serious, knowing I won't abuse the privilege or use that against them in a "joke" later. I love to joke around, but I know how joking escalates. Control! So difficult.
Ware is right: I have rarely ever, ever, ever been regretful of times when I held my tongue and said nothing. But I have had more than enough cleanup work and regret from all the times I opened my yap and put someone in their place.
--------------------------
*Yes, we do live in the same house but forward emails to each other. I'm better on "paper", which is something I have to work on. I say more if I write it out than I would ever speak.
Labels: family, nicaragua, nicaragua 2008, personal, religion
Copyright (c) Julie R. Neidlinger 2/14/2008 09:37:00 AM
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2 Comments:
I grew up in a household where one's ability to "fence verbally" led to a highly-honed rapier wit. To this day, my brothers and I can dice a person with a word or two.
It wasn't until I got married and interacted with my wife's family, the complete opposite of my family in the "wit" regard, that I realized how badly I tore people down with words. And how easily, too. It was my way of saying, "Hah, I'm smarter than you are!"
I fight the same battle you do. I bite my tongue so much anymore that I'm surprised I haven't chewed the end off. When accompanied by plenty of resulting drooling and a blank look, one gets taken for a dolt more often than not, but at least other people don't get hurt. Funny how humility works.
By 
dle, at
14/2/08 12:50
I remember the very first verse I ever memorized and recited as a child for a Bible quiz in my old church:
James 3:8 But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
Ain't that the truth?
By Will, at
14/2/08 18:31
