10 things you should never say to a woman.
written by Julie R. Neidlinger 9 comments link this post::I found an article listing ten things a man should never say to a woman. I've used that list and thrown in my own thoughts for each of the ten points that I've experienced. Other women have also responded to this list. I've had nearly all of these said to me at one time or another and the result can only be ascribed to the category of ways people miscommunicate. If you're a guy and said these and wondered about the reaction you got...here's why.::
1. What did you do to your hair? A haircut is a huge deal for a woman. Watch any of those makeover shows and see how, when it comes time for the stylist to work with the hair, the women will get nervous and uneasy and say that they don't want too much cut off or that they don't want them to mess with it. A haircut is a big deal. It has very little to do with cutting off the hair and mere appearance, and more to do with an overall want to change who she is. So, when you make a haphazard comment on the hair... not good.
2. They both look the same to me. If they were the same, we wouldn't be asking. This is our way of wanting your opinion and wanting you to be involved in our life. Seems silly? Well, it might be but just wait and see if, after continued disinterest in the small things, we ask your opinion much in the bigger things.
3. Relax. This is the cousin of "I think you're getting emotional." When a guy tells a woman this, he's both misinterpreting the importance of the issue at hand for the woman (and negating her by saying it isn't that important), as well as telling her that she is somehow uptight. I was told to "relax" on a blog recently when I didn't even feel all that upset. By merely being involved in the conversation at hand and responding in a way that I considered adept and involved, I was told to "relax." What is a woman supposed to do with that? Telling a woman to "relax" is the best way to make sure that she won't. And, if she wasn't emotional or upset before, she's going to be really fast after that.
4. I've got it all under control. This depends. Do you have a history of pulling it off and having it under control? If not, there's no way a woman is going to find this statement anything but upsetting. She'll most likely already start planning for how to deal with the aftermath in the situation on the assumption that you don't have it under control and things went badly.
5. You're not one of those feminists, are you? This is similar to assigning behavior, interests, and methods of communicating to "the woman card" in my book. Because of the differences between men and women, and the things and ways they choose to discuss and relate through those discussions, women will often choose topics that reference their experiences as a woman. When men say something like "you're playing the woman card" or "are you some kind of feminist?", it is incredibly frustrating and leaves the conversation completely dead. Effectively, the woman's way of communicating has been called inadequate at best, and deceptive at worst. It would be like telling guys they can't pepper their conversations with sports talk, the whole "dude, no way!" way of speaking, or any of the other topics that guys throw around as a kind of filler and hidden message.
6. When are you due? Oh man. Just never say that. I had a friend who was asked that. Is there anything worse than not being pregnant and told that you look like you are? Just never ask that unless you know a woman is pregnant.
7. You're being emotional. (See number 3 above). I've had this said to me numerous times, but only by a man. It's not that I'm never emotional, but a fellow woman knows the difference between being emotional and being involved in a discussion that is of great importance. When a man says "you're being emotional" to a woman in a way that suggests something negative, he is doing two things. He's saying that allowing or showing emotion (something very natural to a woman) is bad and/or weak. He's also implying that the woman is deficient in communication or some other way of existing because she either is, or appears to, allow emotion to enter the equation. Even if a woman is emotional, pointing it out causes the same effect of telling her to "relax": she'll not only not relax, but she'll become more emotional.
8. You're acting like you're mother/my mother/my ex-girlfriend. I've never had this one said to me by a guy, so I can't really relate to it personally.
9. You complete me. Ummm...I guess I'd just lump this in with the idea that a guy shouldn't rely on movie quotes to express genuine emotion because it's weird and creepy. I've never had anyone say this to me. It would be weird if someone did. Find your own words, and say them, I guess.
10. Do you really think you should be eating that? No one has ever said that to me, thankfully. I would probably die a thousand deaths. This comment could stem from actual concern if the woman was trying to lose weight and asked you to help her stay on the straight and narrow, or it could stem from the misconstrued idea in this culture that an overweight person's weight is everyone's business and that we all have the right to judge what they eat. Regardless, no woman is going to take this comment well, so, if your motives are good (the former) find a better way. If your motives are careless and cruel (the latter), shut up.
::The follow-up article? Ten things you should never say to a guy. I can't, of course, respond to them, except to say that women will say "nothing is wrong" as a way of saying "I don't know how to put into words, or I'm not able to talk about what's bothering me, just yet." Other than that...the list is there. Guys, feel free; there's already discussion going on the topic, though some of the discussion isn't exactly valuable.::
Labels: links, relationships, women
Copyright (c) Julie R. Neidlinger 1/24/2008 09:44:00 AM
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9 Comments:
To add to points number 3 and number 7, I have been asked several times if I am in a bad mood. This was always asked just as I was walking in the door, I was happy and I was generally feeling great. To be asked that put me in a extremely bad mood very fast! After my reply of "NOOO . . ." their response always was, "Just making sure!" Making sure isn't always polite. :)
Also, about the "when are you due?" comment-- my mom had the opposite happen to her when she was pregnant with me. She gave birth to me and there was a birth announcement sent out-- and quite a few people she knew made the comment "Oh! You were pregnant?" To which my mom replied, "I saw you last week! You couldn't tell I was pregnant!?" To which she got the response, "I thought you were just getting fat!!" Moral of story: If one really is pregnant, and not just fat, there should probably be some communication about it. :)
~Merry
By 
, at
24/1/08 11:05
I'd have to take issue with 5.
I never say, and have never said, "Dude, no way" or peppered my conversation with sports talk as filler or hidden messages. In my experience, women are much more subtle and indirect when it comes to getting their point across.
But I've said before that I don't like the whole Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus approach, which is part of the problem. I don't filter views through the sieve of gender (or race or class). I am not postmodern.
I also think it is fair to know whether someone is a feminist or not, as that will necessarily shape the conversation or relationship. I have found conversations with feminists to be much more difficult than with those who are not, i.e. those who refuse to politicize every utterance and action. I want nothing to do with feminism and try not to bother arguing with it because it leads to nothing but conflict.
By , at
24/1/08 12:22
**Raising hand**
I did #6. She wasn't pregnant. I'm still embarrassed. It was 12 years ago.
By 
jvjannotti, at
24/1/08 20:45
I did #6 too.
And she broke up with me next day.
Here is my question. How come I never see "10 things you should never say to a man"?
By 
David Cho, at
24/1/08 21:02
Ha ha...David, you goof -- I linked to just such a list at the end of my post!
Here it is: 10 things you should never say to a man.
By Julie R. Neidlinger, at
24/1/08 21:58
I have no idea how I missed the link, but thanks.
I'd welcome most of what's on the list. They are good for verbal jousting, which is what we should all live for.
By David Cho, at
24/1/08 23:10
You're hilarious.
You really are.
By Julie R. Neidlinger, at
24/1/08 23:21
We were at a birthday party for a friend's child. I saw his mom and thought "I wonder if she's pregnant." Another thought popped into my head, "Don't ask, don't ask. What if you're wrong?" The next thought was, "You're not wrong. You're never wrong."
I asked, I was wrong. I was only slightly more embarassed than my wife. I saw her a few months later when she was actually pregnant. After I was told that she was pregnant I said to her, "I wasn't saying nothing."
By TimB, at
25/1/08 15:50
I did 6 a couple years ago. But then later she actually did get pregnant.
Psychic?
By , at
25/1/08 21:35
