The best Christmas gift is mask removal made easy.
written by Julie R. Neidlinger 5 comments link this postI've talked about appreciating people on this blog many times, though not always outright, but rather, in terms of the ways of doing it.
Writing letters. Not treating people as useful tools. Showing that you care. Taking time even if you're busy. Listening. Not leaving people alone or abandoned. Not leaving people behind to eat your dust. Adding value to other's lives.
Most of these blog posts grew from a hurt moment in my own life1 when all I could take away from the moment was nothing that I had hoped, but merely another lesson on the importance of showing people that you appreciate them whether they return it or not. I am always intimately involved with the subject of my writing.
I will never learn to accept as normal or acceptable that people do not show appreciation even if they feel it, and it will continue to hurt me every time. I will never, ever learn, ever remember to expect the disappointment. I continually forget, or think that "this time it will be different." The strong, silent type is just a type. And I question the strength.
Your silence hurts people.
It isn't enough to appreciate someone if you never let them know, in both word and deed2.
Most of our communication in life is with some kind of mask, a shield that keeps us from being hurt or at least showing our hurts and weaknesses. We all have them. The good employee. The good student. The angry activist. The good Christian. The strong leader. The noble sufferer. Rare is the raw, true, from-the heart, easily-wounded, no-defenses communication that we all crave to have with other people. If you want to give a most precious Christmas gift this year, show the ultimate appreciation which involves neither buying nor making: give people a moment where you listen and be with them in a non-threatening way that allows them to peel the mask off, even if just a bit. Let them taste a bit of fresh air. Make it OK for someone to take a mask off and not regret it later.
I recently communicated with a person in a very truthful and honest way that left me without defenses, completely flapping in the wind. The response was one of silence.
Silence is troublesome. People live and die on silence. Faith cracks or grows in silence. Silence has endless meanings, and none. It confuses instead of clarifies. It gives a person no useful direction. It offers no suggestions as to what to do with feelings or thoughts. Silence doesn't say whether something is started or over. It is crippling. It doesn't ask for, nor deny, a reply. No response is its own response; it is worse than a negative response.
And, when silence is the reply to an unmasked moment of revelation, it is brutal.
So here I sit, yet again, amazed that I find myself reeling from taking another chance without a mask, regretting it. Trying to not let it make me angry and bitter, trying to tell myself that I shouldn't let it make me less likely to take off the masks in the future for other people. I wish, more than anything, that people would at least break the silence and give other people a chance to be safe while being honest, let them know their person-hood and their efforts to be unmasked are appreciated.
Heartfelt, unmasked communication on anything, met with silence, wounds deeply and creates scabbed hearts that make us all walk around, hardened, only able to hurt others. I think we would all be surprised at the hurt and bloodied people that exist behind the hardest of masks.
I would say to you that 2007 has been a fine and normal year while wearing my get-along-with-people mask, but then, as I start to flip through my journals, I see that it has been a hard and disappointing year. I am very eager for it to be gone, though it won't really make a difference. The marker of a new year is more psychological than anything. At least I can say, in all the things that happened this year, that I learned a great deal, and even shared some of it with you on this blog.
If I could share anything with you for this Christmas season, it wouldn't be to buy or to make something, but to appreciate the people in your lives. Appreciate them not for their job or their duties, but appreciate them for being a human being of worth. And one worth the time of a response. Appreciating them in silence is worthless.
1 Frankly, I don't know why I have some of you regular readers, why you stick around. This is often a depressing Julie-stop on the internet. I can't promise it'll ever be otherwise. It seems unlikely.
2The beginning part of this blog post is interesting -- are our ways effectively making a person feel appreciated? Is it possible what comes natural for us in showing appreciation isn't necessarily enough for all people, that each person requires something else? Showing appreciation, which essentially tells another person that they have worth, is not easy, nor is it like second nature. It takes work and effort, and, often, a bit of humble pie. Things to think about...
Labels: christmas, essay, personal, relationships
Copyright (c) Julie R. Neidlinger 11/29/2007 06:23:00 PM
Like this post? Subscribe to the feed.
Help support this site.
Facebook |
Stumble It! |
Del.icio.us |
DiggIt! |
Technorati |
Blinklist |
Furl |
reddit |
Newsvine
5 Comments:
Julie --
There is much to consider in what you have written. I am from a generation where men were not taught to express their feelings in any meaningful way. It has been a long and difficult process for me to reach a point where I can be openly appreciative of people. I certainly have a long journey still ahead of me.
I write this because there are times when silence is not a sign of uncaring or a lack of appreciation. Rather, it may be a sign of great caring in that the silence comes from not knowing how to properly respond; fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. Usually these situations are followed by remorse and regret for not having been available to the person who, at that moment, needed you most. I don't write this as an excuse, but perhaps to provide that a response of silence is not always an indication of a lack of appreciation or of caring.
You state (in your footnote) that you're not sure why regular readers stick around. I can't speak for the others, but for me it is your willingness to be so open and place yourself in vulnerable positions as you work your way through such private and intimate experiences - to share your thoughts with us - that I appreciate. You give me much to consider and often a perspective that I had not considered. So I will continue to be a loyal reader and, in my own little way, be appreciative of you and what you do.
By 
Rey, at
30/11/07 04:53
"Frankly, I don't know why I have some of you regular readers, why you stick around. This is often a depressing Julie-stop on the internet."
We stick around because you transform your depression into something profound, or at least insightful. It may be just depressing to you; it's enlightening to us. God uses you to transform your hurts into something more than that for us.
Of course, this is from a guy whose favorite play is "King Lear."
By Keith Schooley, at
30/11/07 06:52
I keep coming back hoping some of your goodness rubs off on me !
By 
, at
30/11/07 09:08
I like honesty. That means admitting that sometimes things aren't going so well.
By , at
30/11/07 14:15
I hang around because I feel that I have personally connected with you in many ways. Our backgrounds are very different, but your writing stimulates in ways that most people's don't.
By David Cho, at
2/12/07 22:59
