Vision that blinds.
written by Julie R. Neidlinger 10 comments link this postObviously, posting was light the past three weeks, as some of you have seen fit to diligently remind me. (Tsk, tsk -- no need to NAG!.) My brother's visit, followed by "German sister" Sabine and her husband Christian's visit, threw a bit of sand into my usual routines and turned me into a sister, tour guide, house cleaner, friend, dish washer, gift-giver, baker, performer, hostess, back massager and more. I think it might have been long enough, this fine and delightful "interruption" of visitors and late-evening suppers filled with long-time friends and neighbors, that it cleared up my vision on a few things of importance.
I had vision that blinded me.
I'll explain, but it will only confuse you further, I'm afraid. I don't want to dole out specifics.
During this same time period, I also took part in two Nicaragua Resource Network -- North Dakota (NRN-ND) meetings, one a decision-making board meeting, and one a decision-making Trip Group meeting. During the second meeting, a member of the team I'm going to be a part of this year made a comment about our vision of success when we travel to Nicaragua.
He said, essentially, that too often we have a vision of success that blinds us. This leads to people who go on one trip, deem it a failure because it didn't fit their vision, and never go back.
I have a habitual problem of envisioning what I see as success when all it is, is unreality. Impossible. Unattainable. Silly. Short-sighted. Far from peripheral. Trapped by blinders. Wrongly motivated. Self-serving. Based on foundations of wind and sand. Backwards-looking, using the present and future to solve hurts that are already past. All those things.
For example, this past year has been an odd one in the area of relationships. I'll sum it up to say that, in the course of the year, I have been fully and completely confused at switching interests and likes and what I thought I wanted and what would be "perfect" and what was necessary and who would or would not work.
So complicated and over-thought and over-wrought. Very Julie-like.
In a neatly packaged and heartbreakingly painful way, I was shown (by God, I think) how shallow my list of must-haves (which generally involved education/culture/intellectual interests) really was. My vision of success for this relationship was specific and completely wrong, as it turns out. When the messiness was all said and done and I was on the other side of the journey, I viewed it all as a terrible, horrible failure.
Embarrassing! What a waste of time and every imaginable emotion! Delete delete delete! Never again!
Oh, but the loveliness of second chances and new vision and a reiteration of what I've really wanted but pretended not to because it didn't fit my vision of success. All this, over the past few weeks when blogging was light and the people were real in flesh and blood in front of me. I saw that situation differently, the one I just descirbed. It was no failure! I learned a great deal! I found out what I really do and do not want. I learned what I should and should not expect. I learned that I don't want a person with the same weaknesses as I, like two north magnets. I was reminded of the importance of kindness acted out, of good hearts and strong connections.
I find it all a certain kind of odd delight, like feeling cold in the winter when you know you're supposed to. Except, of course, I don't feel cold at all. I feel really good. Thankful. Failure that was actually success, because the vision was wrong! It was all very necessary for me to understand, and the only way I could see it was on the other side, with a different view.
We're all either near-sighted or far-sighted, the former missing the bigger picture and wasting time on unimportant matters, the latter missing the small picture and cutting a wide swath of "somedays" and "eventuallys" while neglecting to live and decide in the actual moment.
God's vision is perfect vision; so impossible to imagine, that vantage point He has. Instead of ruing and fretting, I'd love to just latch on to trusting that His sight is better than mine instead of constantly coming up with visions of success and the impossible comparisons that follow. I'm not there yet, but the past three weeks were a little bit of a gift in that they wiped off my glasses and I saw a few things differently. They also were a kind way for God to clear out some of my blurry mental and emotional garbage with the beautiful distraction of nearly all the people of great importance in my life here in the physical. Beautiful moments of kindness and gifting and caring and laughter.
Really fine.
It probably makes no sense to you. But it does to me. Things are looking pretty good with these new "eyes" of mine.
Labels: essay, family, friends, nicaragua, personal, religion
Copyright (c) Julie R. Neidlinger 10/28/2007 11:10:00 PM
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10 Comments:
Yaaay!
Praise God! Good for you!
I know exactly what you mean. I need that epiphany myself, in other areas. But in terms of relationships, God challenged me in every way imaginable with Cecile. Not at all someone that I would have chosen for myself. But she's the perfect complement to me.
But anyway, I get it. And I'm very happy for you.
By 
Keith Schooley, at
29/10/07 08:00
what do you mean "I find it all a certain kind of odd delight, like feeling cold in the winter when you know you're supposed to" -- what do you mean by that?
By 
, at
29/10/07 10:58
Hi Jeff.
I meant it like this: I don't like to be cold so I do things to avoid it but I also forget that feeling cold in winter is very normal and part of the package.
It's not the best way to say, essentially, that I feel as if I'm feeling what I should in the circumstances, and am no longer trying to run and feel something different that may make me more comfortable but isn't really the "natural" feeling for the moment.
By Julie R. Neidlinger, at
29/10/07 15:14
(And thanks Keith. Your posts and emails were a huge help in some of this, too.)
By Julie R. Neidlinger, at
29/10/07 15:15
Well, I'm grateful if some of my musings have been a blessing. Thanks.
Your post reminds me of something I read in C.S. Lewis, something about reality being an antidote to the errors we get into through pure intellect and emotion. Face to face contact with those whom you love--there's no substitute.
By Keith Schooley, at
29/10/07 20:34
Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow.
I love you.
By girlfriday, at
29/10/07 22:28
GF, friends like you are a blessing, indeed.
You're awesome and patient. I love you, too. And to prove it, I'm going to come down for a visit and eat you out of house and home.
By Julie R. Neidlinger, at
29/10/07 22:43
Wow, what a poignant, great post!
For far too long I tended to 'go on a mission' (of my own making) and in so doing LOST sight of my own personal relationship with Christ, and also missed whatever it was I was supposed to glean and share from the circumstance.
John 6:29 -- 'Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent."'
When we keep THAT simple trust and belief in Him as our main focus, everything else smooths out, and flows as God meant it to flow, particularly relationships.
If we neglect that relationship with Christ, and let ourselves get spiritually drained, things tend to get blurry...although when we are blinded by our own vision we often THINK we can see just fine...
How awesome that you were able to see it all so clearly, thanks for sharing, Andrea
By Andrea, at
20/2/08 09:34
Any pictures of Christian and Sabine?
By , at
20/2/08 14:51
Hmm.
I do have photos of Christian and Sabine.
I'll go put them in my Facebook album.
By Julie R. Neidlinger, at
20/2/08 14:57
