Julie R. Neidlinger: Lone Prairie Blog

Forcing Marthas when they should be Marys.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 0 comments link this post

We are more than the sum of what we can do.

Inevitably, when I am in a situation where we are to go around "the circle" and share about the person next to us, or when people feel led to "uplift" me, they begin and end and fill in the middle by listing what I do.

"Julie, you are so talented" they start, and it goes down hill from there. It is painful and it actually hurts. There is no mention of a good or kind heart or Jesus-like quality, and so I begin to assume I have none of those things. I already know what I can do. I don't know how people can miss this point, but they seem to think they must tell me what I can do and not say anything about who I am.

I am not defined by what I can do. A toaster is defined by what it does. Not people. What we do is part of us, but is not what defines us.

Did you know that I am not responsible for my talents? The only reason I feel this push to use them as much as I can is not to impress anyone, but because of the parable of the talents and Luke 12:48. I do it for no other reason than I know that I should offer them as a sort of gift to God and be willing to use them. I can't explain how this feels, to hear others being spoken of because of their heart, because of the good things people see happening in their lives, because of how beautiful they are inside, only to get to me and start a listing of abilities and all the things I can do well.

I am more than what I do, and if I am not, if all you can see is what I do and what talents I have that I had no say in getting, then I have failed. And, maybe, so have you.

To be or not to be, not to do or not to do.

This is a culture that admires and appreciates Martha. Being productive, responsible, hard-working, constantly going, always useful -- that is valued in our culture, that is valued in our churches. Most of the time I want to be Mary. I don't want another chore or job; I want to be with people the few times I get the chance to, and to talk and be talked to. It's not being lazy, but wanting to learn how to be human and connect with other people. I wonder sometimes if I am liked because I am useful, of what I do, instead of who I am. I wonder if people can even see who I am or if it's all clouded and tied up in what I can do.

Am I useful, I wonder, or being used?

I wonder if I stripped all these abilities away that I did nothing to deserve or have any say in -- if I couldn't draw, couldn't write, couldn't do anything -- would I still be valued? Would I be excess baggage? Taking it to the furthest degree, are people who are not only less talented, but completely unable to be productive members in society viewed as a burden or as loved and necessary and valued simply because they are human beings made by God?

The moment we start forgetting to put aside seeing the surface thing of usefulness in a person, they lose value. How many people fall into depression for the mere fact of thinking they are useless? What makes them think this? Why should their use have any say in their value as a human being?

It's because we value what people can do, instead of who they are. We don't let them be. We want them to do, as well.

The problem in articulating this to people who may think they are being kind by telling me that I can draw well or am good on computers and ask for my help after saying all this is that, if I start to get peevish because I want to be just Julie and not Julie-Who-Is-Useful, they throw money at me. I know it is meant well, and while I need money, this complicates the matter because it turns the gift of my talents into merely being for hire when all along it wasn't about not wanting to help but wondering if there was a time when I wouldn't be on call.

Could I just be, instead of do?

I think that, if there is a person you have always found useful, you should try very hard to not always make use of them and let them just be. Let them be with you, be with others, be there in the moment, be Mary.

Martha can come back another day.