What to do with disappointment.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger      5 comments      link this post     


I was at a small gathering recently and, as is my anti-social way, I was reading a book while people were talking around me.

"So, good book?" a man asked me.

"Yes," I replied, hoping he wouldn't push any further.

"So what's your book called?"

"It's Disappointment with God," I said.

Long silence. As I knew there would be.

Philip Yancy's book has been a challenge to me. I will tell anyone reading this post, whether you're a Christian or not, to read this book. He doesn't shy away from the question of pain, unfairness, and the inability of humans to make sense of what seems to be a God that doesn't act rationally. He makes no irritatingly pat answers, no judgments.

So I find myself in the midst of Yancy's wonderful discussion, towards the end of the book, on time and a God that is not bound by either space and time, only to discover a website, Rational Responders, dedicated to converting Christians and non-Christians over to the religion of non-belief.

I'm not sure of the connection I'm trying to make between what I'm reading and the site, but I know that there is one; not only to the book as a whole, but the section I am now in. Both seem to have a foundation of the same sort, that of humans trying to understand a God that makes no human sense. Yancy isn't always happy with his answers, but he accepts not knowing. The people at Rational Responders have done the opposite and decided to believe their rational human response instead of in God.

You will find videos on the Rational Responders website of people trying to damn their soul by denouncing the Holy Spirit. You'll find products to buy and requests for monetary support so that they might reach more people and bring them over into human rationality. Maybe you'll find, as I did, that your heart feels cut inside after watching the videos and reading the material, a cut not from anger but from extreme, wrenching sadness.

I often wonder about this love of logic, this willingness to put everything into the hands of humanity's supposed ability to be rational. I wonder why A must connect to B must connect to C and that, if the connections aren't logical to our plane of existence and to our understanding, everything must be thrown out. I am wary of people who must have every answer before moving forward. Why this need to prove and have proof before believing? Why is something considered proven or disproved, based on the simple fact that there is no answer yet?

They offer a free DVD to Christians, a DVD that proves Jesus didn't exist. The offer comes with a few simple provisions that must be met. I must include a link to my website to "prove" I'm a Christian, and I must answer the following question: "If you were given proof that your god doesn't exist, would you accept it, or would you continue to believe?"

I wondered, as I found my way to the free DVD page, how it is that such smart and logical men and women have claimed to fully understand and prove that God does not exist while at the same time (I'm willing to bet) they don't even understand the ways and workings of the opposite sex. I wonder how we put our trust in mankind and still can't understand friends that back-stab, enemies that show kindness, and feelings of love and rage that exist at the same time within us. Pity to the scientist that has nailed down the grandeur of the cosmos and can't even understand why the wife he lives with is unhappy.

I paused for a moment, wondering if I really wanted to bother requesting the DVD. I paused, not out of fear that I couldn't have an answer for all that is raised (because I know I can not possibly hold my own with any sort of expert), but because I wondered if it was really worth my time. I wondered if there was any more room left in my mind for additional doubts, for I have enough on my own from my own thinking. I felt that I was supposed to do this, in the end, so I provided them with my name, my email, and my website address.

And I answered their question of whether or not I would still believe.

I could have said that for every expert that proves Jesus never existed, I can find books and videos filled with experts that say he did. I could have said that for every example of God not answering prayer I surmise that I could find an equal amount of examples when He did. I could have rehashed all the points and rejoinders and ripostes from all the apologetic and atheist debates ever hashed out across time, in magazines and books and blogs. I could have argued that the only proof humans could offer that God did not exist would be merely human proof. I could have written a paragraph on why or why not. I could discussed my own theories on the similarities to the story of Jesus Christ and other mythology, including the Hero's Journey. I have no shortage of wonderful apologetic material by great Christian thinkers that I could have used. I could have explained how admittance of doubt is not a "gotcha" but merely and admittance of doubt.

But I didn't.

I've had some disappointments and struggles as of late - no more than any other person I suppose - but it's gotten me quite down. People have said to me that I should cheer up, that I should be more positive, that there is no reason for me to feel this way. I wonder, when I hear that response, why they think reason has anything to do with it? What does reason have to do with anything that really matters, that's really real?

And so I answered these people who claim to have proven that God doesn't exist, who wonder if I, once I see their overwhelming evidence, will still believe in Him, the only way I could: Yes.

Disappointment in life, and disappointment with God, is what it is. It feeds the doubt, it bolsters the questions, and it cuts the legs off of our answers if it lasts long enough, eventually leading to those moments in our minds and hearts where we scream at God, demanding that He make himself known.

"Show yourself! Explain yourself!" we demand, as if He is a monkey on a leash.

Then there is silence, beginning it all again.

It does not mean there shall be no faith, because without doubt there is no faith. So the answer is yes. I will believe anyway.

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Copyright (c) Julie R. Neidlinger  1/02/2007 02:51:00 PM   (5) comments   Links to this post    

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5 Comments:

Julie, I know how you hate clichés and "easy" answers. Still, I read Revelation 22 on 12/31 (finishing up another episode of "Read through the Bible in a year") and -- guess what? -- the assurance is still the same.

By Blogger Eric, at 2/1/07 18:05  

I go thru the same pains of despair as anyone else. He is constant. What is so wonderful is He proves himself so decade after decade. He is the rewarder of those who dilligently seek Him.

So, Julie, you are normal in struggling. The good news is you will not be dissapointed, ever. He is infinitely faithful.

Experientially, spritually, existentially. There is no way He isn't who He says He is and more.

So, relax, the books you read questioning cause questions. That's OK, but Jesus never fails, ever.

I'm living proof.

Happy New Year!

By Blogger Gene, at 2/1/07 20:30  

Julie.....yes! Disappointment with God is a great book. It helped me and I will read it again.....thought provoking. When someone asked me what I was reading and I told them......I recieved no verbal response, just raised eyebrows! Colleen

By Blogger Colleen, at 2/1/07 22:10  

I was fetched up Mormon. I quit when I read in Doctrine and Covenants that thinking a bad thought is the same as doing a bad deed! I blasphemed in my mind and realized that I'd cursed directly to "the Lord" and I'd lost my pursuit of the Tellestial Kingdom. So I quit. No chance to be a God on another planet now. Dang it!
Julie, Gene, etal, you'll make it to the grave no matter what guilt you whup upon yourselves.

By Anonymous nodakjack, at 3/1/07 04:25  

Julie, it sounds as though you could be a good Epsicopalian (as I hope I am)-- we let ourselves be guided by scripture, reason, and tradition, but never stop questioning.

While the historical sources for proof of Jesus' existence may be slim, His inspiration for billions of us humans over two thousand years is a fact. Faith requires trust; trust in G-d's promises. Logic has its limits.

It's a blue time of year for many of us-- maybe it's a little harder in a North Dakota winter (I'm thinking of my glum Scandinavian ancestors here). "If winter comes, can spring be far behind?"

By Anonymous Will, at 4/1/07 14:25  

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