Julie R. Neidlinger: Lone Prairie Blog

Before you open the box.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 0 comments link this post

::This is a post in response to an earlier post. Please visit the comments section and see where this stems from.::

I once, about three years ago, wandered into the forum on Moby's webpage.

I don't know why. I'm not even a fan.

Yet there I was, discussing Christianity and politics with other people on the forum. The discussion soon boiled down to me and another fellow, and things weren't going too badly until he made a rather crude reference to male body parts. I informed him that I wasn't male, surprised that he assumed he'd been talking to a guy all along.

His first response was that the way I wrote sounded like I was a guy. The discussion, though, changed from that point on and denigrated into what I've sadly come to know as the male response to women who didn't shut up by guys who wish they would:

You don't understand what we're talking about / You're not intelligent enough to participate in this conversation.
You're being defensive / You're over-reacting.
You bitch.

I've been called that awful name by women before, though it is always in a different arena involving issues that wouldn't make sense to men. Every single time I've gotten an email or comment which essentially called me that by a man, however, was in the arena of debate or discussion in regards to something I disagreed with them on.

I frequently have to re-read the book of James with a lowly head. I'm not prone to being prone. I'm not going to take it lying down. I'm not going to hedge all my discussion in lavender perfume and pink-colored writing and end my sentences like apologetic questions just to make sure no guy is uncomfortable with his male-ness. I have enough respect for a person, man or woman, to approach them all the same. If you tell me you want me to respond, I will. Make sure you want me to or don't ask.

Maybe that's the problem. If a woman zips back in language and tone to men, or if she doesn't respond how a man thinks she should or in a way that he understands, she's not being Christ-like. She's over-reacting. She's not submitting. She's being defensive. She's a bitch. She's missing the point. She doesn't understand the real issues at stake. She's hormonal. She's out of control. She's uninformed. She's not intelligent. She can't handle the truth.

Men and women are different. That is a statement of the obvious. We think, react and respond differently. It's like two different languages, competing for the same space. I have a problem with men accusing me of one thing when I can see that they are guilty of doing the very same as far as my definition of that word is concerned.

Men are not the king of all that is logical, though they are well-versed in male logic, which has its own strength. Women come at things in a different way that is fitting to female logic, often girded up by stronger verbal skills. If you don't know by now that women can be brutal in an argument, you'd better learn quickly. It's nothing to be proud of, as I know first hand, but merely the truth. When women don't take the bait, don't respond to the goading to enter the discussion, it is an extraordinary act of self-control. It has nothing to do with not being equipped for the battle.

Men tell women they're not smart enough, they don't have the intelligence to join in. They do this in subtle language that hides what they are really thinking, but the meaning is there. But then, as women take up the challenge and join in, men respond like I've listed above. You can't taunt a women into speaking and then tell her, essentially, to shut up because she's not responding in your "right way." You can't berate her method of response and then innocently claim a white flag by saying there was no personal attack and for her to stop being defensive. That's weakness.

I hate it when I find myself driven to be a last-worder, those times I have to respond in the comments section over and over on this and other blogs on issues that I have decided to let go and move beyond. Too often I see comments (like Andy's in the post I linked to earlier) or receive emails that assume my silence is evidence of lesser intelligence, evidence that I, being a woman, just don't have the smarts to keep going and that I've acknowledged defeat. What these men don't understand is that most women can see when something is just a waste of time. Check out the comments sections of blogs and discussions on forums. Who keeps harping on the same points over and over and over? It's usually men. Women, for the most part, get tired of the constant bickering.

If I've made my point once, I see no need to respond to the same question even if it is from someone new. That seems illogical to me. If I sense that a person is going over the same ground in a never-ending cycle, I see no further need to respond. It's a waste of time, and illogical. It has nothing to do with me ducking my head and hurriedly opening my second-grade reader in an attempt to increase my lowly IQ.

If you are a man and find yourself telling a woman that she isn't smart enough to join in the conversation yet telling her, once she does, that she's being too defensive all the while thinking in your mind that she is a bitch, I can tell you what you are: an intellectual gelding.

My advice is this: Before you open the box, make sure you have a pair. Pandora's not a bitch, but she's not always in the mood to joke around.

::Caveat: Yes, these are generalizations of men/women. Yes, there are exceptions. Yes, there are plenty of men who are not like this. I know. If this post made you angry and you are a male, however, you might want to rethink your reaction to women in this regards. And don't send me a spate of emails calling me a bitch. I have a large enough collection, thank you very much.::

::Caveat 2: Before you grow concerned that this is a male-bashing post, rest easy. This has nothing to do with disrespect; truly, it does not. This isn't a blog where you'll find me saying that women without men are like fish without bicycles. I don't regularly call men stupid or become Dowd-esque and say they are unnecessary. I don't write posts that are the verbal equivalent of rolling my eyes and cursing the word "men!" under my breath. I'm very certain that people who know me would say I think highly of men for the simple reason that people, male and female, are important.::