Please lock your cars and just say no.
written by Julie R. Neidlinger 7 comments link this postIt's a little-known secret, but up here in North Dakota, we've entered that feared time of year when cars must be locked at all times. Citizens must be cautious about meeting the eyes of their friends and relatives lest they appear interested. Lights must be shut off when a vehicle pulls into the yard. Houses must be locked lest suspicious paper bags be left in the entryway.
It's zucchini season, and the Department of Homeland Security is doing nothing about it. The people are on their own.
Did you know that there are 9,684 zucchini cookbooks put out by Lutheran church women this past year in just the upper-Midwest alone? This number is trumped only by the number of actual zucchini on one plant, which is 9,984 (on average).
Zucchini is an interesting fruit in that, by merely thinking of planting it in your garden, an actual plant begins to grow. You don't even have to put a seed in the ground. That's a fact. It's the only plant that you must avoid even thinking about to risk having your garden overrun by vines and large, green fruits.
Zucchini is also unique in that the cookbooks which feature it are a giant scam. They are actually normal cookbooks with harried farm wives secretively adding in a cup or two of grated zucchini in every recipe and reprinting it for profit.
Zucchini has no taste. It's a fruit without a noble purpose, making it more aggressive as it searches for such a purpose. Rick Warren has yet to offer a useful program for the fruit. In fact, its only purpose is to drive the people that grow it to insanity as they try find ways to use it up or find new people to give it to. It is during zucchini season that growers find solace in Barnum's supposed quote, the solace quickly being replaced by frenzy as they try to find these two suckers.
In an effort to find a use for this fruit and to cut down on the number of families that were being broken apart over various zucchini squabbles and forced gifting, some tragedies have occurred. Zucchini has been used as a research and test subject for testing makeup, fingernail polish, hairspray and hemorrhoid cream. The end result was akin to Roundup-Ready Zucchini, a truly horrifying thought for an already hardy plant that is loathe to die. Further testing was halted over concern that Zucchini plants would mutate into Triffids. These are actual facts.
Zucchini turns the rural countryside into a month-long ghetto. There are drive-by zucchini-ings, where people wait until you've left your house so that they can leave a bag of the fruit up on your porch, no name attached, no one to blame, their relief enviable. There are the zucchini pushers, the people everyone knows about who get carried away in the spring with the seeds and the prospect of a fruit that will grow even if the raccoons decimate the corn and the rest of the garden. These are the people whose eyes must be avoided lest your glance or nervous tick be taken as a sign of interest and need, much like at a Sotheby's auction. Craft fairs and bake sales are filled to overflowing with normal desserts laced with the drug-like zucchini.
These are all cold, hard facts.
It would all seem silly, particularly in a world of composting in which unused plant material is next year's fertilizer. The problem arises, as scientists have discovered through extensive study and the unfortunate overdose of zucchini bread, when a proliferous plant, such as zucchini, is added quickly to a volatile mix of a people who can't bear to waste anything, people with a genetic Svengali that insists harvest-ready crops must be harvested and then put to good use, creating the explosive reaction described herein.
All facts, people, all facts. Wikipedia wouldn't let me post this, but it's true. All true.
Labels: humor, north dakota
Copyright (c) Julie R. Neidlinger 9/03/2006 11:14:00 PM
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7 Comments:
You recall Jesus commended the Pharisees on their tithe of Herbs and Mint? Well, at Church people not only tithed on Zucchini, they made offerings till the priests had to say stop. And, while people took one home so as not to appear wasteful, the cups overflowed. Most of those dutiful zucchini payloads were destined for the compost pile.
I'm concerned that for those who were so generous in giving of the Zucchini will come under the blessing (curse) of "in the same manner as you give it shall be given unto you, pressed down, shaken together and overflowing"
I see households inundated with zucchini. Headlines proclaiming lost children in mountains of zucchini. Zucchini plants getting their own zip code.
It's a tragedy, I tell you. Oh the humanity.
By 
Gene, at
4/9/06 09:16
God created zucchini as a joke, but neglected to give us a clue.
True story. For years, my wife cooked and served zucchini in myriad ways. For years. One day, I finally said something like, "you know, I really don't care all that much for zucchini." She said, "why didn't you tell me that years ago? All this time, I thought you liked it!"
That was a decade ago and we've never had it again. Its passing was not mourned.
By Eric, at
5/9/06 09:45
First you don't like soup and now you have something against Zucchini!!! What is the world coming to?
How can anyone not like this beautiful fruit?
I have a tough time getting any Zucchini here in California. And it is usually very expensive.
Of course I have never had Zucchini soup but that sounds good too.
LOL.
Have a nice day.
By Ronald Rutherford, at
5/9/06 17:37
Your beginning for this post was priceless and it just got better from there.
I love zucchini!
By Jim, at
5/9/06 19:41
Eric,
Your fortune cookie for today: You may sson receive some chocolates. But you may have to put up with some Zucchini.
By Jim, at
6/9/06 20:08
You wanna hear about the time by husband planted 12(count'em 12!) zucchini plants in a pen that previously had held sheep?? And the weather was perfect..on second thoughts, it might be to scary for some, lol! I thought we'd have to move away, we weren't very popular for a while... I like zucchini but I don't like it 12 plants worth..
By 
, at
12/9/06 14:46
When we were visiting ND from IL, my mother in law had 2 on her porch. Someone had called and asked "Do you want zuchini?" and she'd said "No." and the person said "Unless your porch door is locked, I am going to drop some off." I guess a no to zucchini in ND means you get 2 instead of a half dozen? So every time we stopped to visit her, each of 6 times, she tried to offer some to me. Each time we said no, we are staying with people and what would we do with it. Each time she asked again. We did not lock our car while it was in her driveway: I guess we are lucky she took our no for an answer. Wait, I never did look under the back seat. It's been 3 weeks: It would smell by now, wouldn't it?
By karma, at
15/9/06 20:48
