Politics: Charley Reese thinks Fargo is bad enough for politicians.
written by Julie R. Neidlinger 3 comments link this post
Joining the hordes of non-North Dakotans who hold dear an erroneous concept of North Dakota, Charley Reese proposes a move of the President, the Vice President, the Senate and the House to Fargo, North Dakota. His theory seems to be that it's barren enough to straighten them out and get them to work.
(Sigh.)
Well, let's get started. Let's just play along and use "Fargo" as a synonym for "North Dakota." Because I give up.
We could build a simple meetinghouse for the legislative branches. I would recommend large Quonset huts with small offices for the members. We could also build barracks for the members and their staffs to live in while Congress was in session.Yes. We do live in Quonsets here in
As part of the Great Relocation Act, we must stipulate that Congress convene on Oct. 1 and conclude all of its business no later than March 31. Any lobbyist who wished to venture to Fargo would have to find his own motel room, his own mad aviator hat and his own snowshoes.In Fargo, we all wear snowshoes, even during the other eight months of the non-winter seasons which we experience. However, not all of our aviator hats fall into the "mad" variety.
As for the president and vice president, they could be housed in a modest home purchased on the market. I suspect you can get some good real-estate buys in Fargo. It's not one of those places being besieged by tourists and retirees.Oddly enough, some Quonsets in the southern part of Fargo go for fairly high prices. And the historical Quonsets on 8th street are excellent examples of many architectural styles with a few sporting turrets and sweeping porches.
In Fargo, free from the temptations of Imperial Washington — with all of its plush accommodations, fancy restaurants and hordes of sycophants and lobbyists — Congress might actually settle down and do some work. It never, by the way, completes its work on time in Washington.Fargo is free from temptation. Most people, after working honestly at their jobs all day, go home and read Thoreau in front of the fire in their Quonsets. A few go to bars, however, but even the many bars hold prayer services every hour on the hour. And the drug dealers and meth makers are always very careful to treat you with fairness and great courtesy. Since we only have diners (housed in small Quonsets) and hot dog stands, the politicians would, indeed, suffer gastrointestinally.
It would also be satisfying just to see the politicians, the vast majority of whom are chicken hawks who avoided military service like the plague, live in conditions at least somewhat similar to those they force upon the military around the world. Moreover, Fargo, which is on the border of Minnesota, is a solid blue-collar city of 75,000 people used to hard work. They would be a far better influence on our public legislators than the rich lawyers and lobbyists who inhabit Washington.This is so true. As I, a Fargo resident, sit here in my heated Quonset in front of my computer with a candy bar next to my can of Coke, I feel like I'm living in battle conditions. And boy, I'm working hard. All the farmers all across Fargo work hard all the time, too, especially in the winter. There are no lawyers in Fargo, because although we may be lawless, we are hard-working law-abiders.
As for communication, well, don't we have Bill Gates' word for it that in this new era of high-tech, people can communicate from anywhere to anywhere?It's funny he should mention communication. My computer runs on a complex system of coal and hot water which releases puffs of smoke according to the message I'm typing out with my telegraph key. I think our politicians can learn to appreciate Fargo's communications system with ease.
No need to worry about the Library of Congress, because the politicians don't use it anyway. There is a university in Fargo, so if some politician's mind was suddenly pricked by curiosity, he could snowshoe over to the university and ask a professor.Though we have absolutely no books or libraries in Fargo, we don't consider ourselves illiterate. And yes, we do have a university in Fargo. Actually, it's the biggest university in the state of Fargo, known for its engineering. Luckily, since we only construct Quonsets in Fargo, the lack of books provided for the engineering students isn't too detrimental to the program.
While I'm sure the relocation would benefit America as a whole, I'm not sure the people of Fargo would welcome the riffraff we have elected to the House, the Senate and the White House. I believe, however, it is the patriotic duty of Americans to share the burden of living with the political riffraff. If things didn't work out in Fargo, we could move them to Butte, Mont. I believe that is the place J. Edgar Hoover used to exile FBI agents who had incurred his disfavor.Nearly all 600,000 of us that live in Fargo firmly believe that the cold, winter weather keeps the riff-raff out. If that very same weather is why Mr. Reese is proposing to send us more riff-raff, we may have to re-evaluate our state motto. Which is: The cold keeps the riff-raff out. Anyway, our sister-city-state of Butte, Montana probably doesn't want riff-raff, either. They also don't have as nice of Quonsets as we have here in Fargo. So, if you want to torture the politicians, send them to Butte. Butte's motto is: Our Quonsets have no carpeting.
Washington has come to resemble Rome — not the Rome of the Republic, which the Founding Fathers admired, but the Imperial Rome, the Rome of Caesars — full of perpetual wars, inflation, circuses, money-changers, lies and corruption. Consequently, too many of our federal officials have lost contact with the real America they are supposed to represent.Well, let me reassure you that, here in Fargo and all across the state of Fargo, you'll find nothing but real American people. Scandinavians and Germans, mostly. And it just doesn't get any realer than that, if you ask me.
In all seriousness, it would be beneficial to get the government out of Washington. Anywhere would do as long as it's isolated, very cold and Walden Pondish in its attractions. I suspect some of our federal politicians have never even seen grass that wasn't on a lawn or a golf course. Brisk, clean air might even clear their heads. Bitterly cold winter nights are very conducive to contemplation.Oddly enough, it's always cold in Fargo, even in the months of July and August when, although the thermometers say the temp is in the 80's and 90's, it's really 50 below zero. And Walden Pond can't hold a candle (which we use a lot of, since we have no lights) to the pothole region of Fargo! Talk about your ponds and grass. Of course, if you go much farther west that West Fargo, you run into some dry areas without the whole pond thing happening, but no one important lives out that way anyway. The cold nights of winter are great for contemplation. Last night, after I turned off the TV and killed the Direct TV feed to my television set that had been providing me with the same programming other areas of the country get, I felt a spirit of isolation creep in. So I turned the TV back on.
Who knows? Such isolation and relative hardships might even produce a statesman or two. Now, that would be an accomplishment. We haven't had one of those in several generations.My God! The hardship out here! I know it! My life is sheer misery and I don't know how I can continue! Sometimes, in the morning when I get up, it takes a full 20 seconds for the hot water to kick in. And don't even get me started on the shoddy excuse for a toaster we have in the kitchen section of our Quonset. If I make it out of Fargo alive, I know I'll be better and stronger for it. Meanwhile, I'll just get back to life like everyone else is living.
(Sarcasm is now turned off.)
Addressing the idea of shipping politicians to Fargo is a waste of time. I don't know if we have enough liquor to keep Ted Kennedy functioning, for one thing. Obviously, Mr. Reese's idea is only half-serious. I think. For sure, it's only half-baked.
Mr. Reese is from the south whose writers, I can only assume from what I've just read, are experiencing a crippling wave of "I can't think of anything decent to write for my column." I shall now assume that he is a racist Confederate with bad snaggle-tooth teeth and gumbo for knees. That is the stereotype. Stereotypes exist for a reason. And so it must be.
::Please review this earlier post for further reading: What to do if someone from North Dakota is headed your way.::
Labels: north dakota, politics
Copyright (c) Julie R. Neidlinger 2/02/2006 02:59:00 PM
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3 Comments:
Great post, Julie. I'm gonna blog your blog on it...heh...
By 
Trish, at
3/2/06 15:53
Julie, you probably won't like this story, either (but at least it's made up):
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/31450
By Muley, at
3/2/06 16:00
Excellent! Not that Washington doesn't need fixing, there's got to be a better way. Perhaps we should just send them all home for 4 years and let the country run itself?
By SgtHook, at
5/2/06 14:31
