What to do if someone from North Dakota is headed your way.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger      3 comments      link this post     




Anytime anyone leaves North Dakota and heads to any other state for any reason, there is a certain protocol that must be followed.

If you are a member of the media and are from another state, it is imperative that you take the following lists seriously, lest your written or broadcast piece read as "untrue" or "unrealistic." When writing about North Dakota, it is acceptable to pull a Jayson Blair and use a movie and a few stereotypes as reference material.

You must use the following adjectives somewhere in your piece for it to read true:
  1. Wind-swept
  2. Siberian
  3. Glacial
  4. Icy
  5. Lonely
  6. Sparse
  7. Abandoned
  8. Depressed
  9. Solitary
  10. Flat
You must make reference to the movie "Fargo":
  1. Mention a wood-chipper
  2. Ask if we say "ya you betcha"
  3. When we say we don't talk like that, call around until you find someone (perhaps an old-timer not so far removed from the motherland) that does and say "yes, all North Dakotans talk like that"
  4. Assume we're all Scandinavian
  5. Ask to see our furry hats
You must make it sound as if it is always winter
  1. Say it's often 20 or 30 below during the entire winter; find the person that brags about how awful it can get, and then quote them for five paragraphs. Ignore any descriptions of beautiful spring, summer and autumn seasons.
  2. Make us sound tough despite the fact that we have heat and electricity and snowblowers.
  3. Go ga-ga on the fact that we leave cars running or plug them in.
  4. Tell your readers that the car engines will freeze.
  5. Talk about cold fingers and frozen nose hair.
North Dakotans must always be described as quaint and down-home-sy. Find the idiots who revel in perpetuating all your stereotypes and are foolishly proud. Find the moron wearing the "ya you betcha'" T-shirt. Make the state sound like Lake Wobegone except 50 dgrees colder. Find the urban person from outside of North Dakota who recently moved to North Dakota so they can tell you how different North Dakota is compared to where they came from and take that as a sign from God on high that the state and her people are Martians; let their take on the state be yours as well. Marvel at the thought that anyone from North Dakota could possibly function in the modern world outside the state's borders.

A couple of things to note:
  1. We do have electricity.
  2. We say all the consonants and vowels in words as we speak because they are there for a reason.
  3. We do have contact with the "outside world."
  4. North Dakota has one of the highest per-capita percentages of citizens on the internet, including high-speed access
  5. We do use the same currency as the rest of the country.
  6. We do know how to read. Very well.
  7. THE MOVIE FARGO WASN'T ANYTHING ABOUT FARGO OR NORTH DAKOTA SO QUIT WITH THAT ALREADY.

Need an example? Read about Fargo's most recent export to the San Francisco area.




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Copyright (c) Julie R. Neidlinger  1/04/2006 06:08:00 PM   (3) comments   Links to this post    

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3 Comments:

"Glacial" I love it.

I've always wondered why the movie (which I love, by the way) was named "Fargo" since 99.99999% of it takes place in Minnesota.

By Blogger Jim, at 4/1/06 20:18  

I was on lollerskates reading your prescription for "what to do if someone from ND is headed your way." In fact, it would be a interesting exercise to ask someone working for the NY Times what he thought people were like who live in the Vast Empty Quarter of American, otherwise known as North Dakota, Montana, and the howling waste lands of North Idaho where I live.

Speaking of my howling waste land of a home, the temperatures have shot up into the 30s and 40s, and our 10 inches of snow have nearly melted all away. I wonder if we're going to have another unusually mild winter.

By Blogger Oengus Moonbones, at 4/1/06 20:50  

Great post, but the article you linked to is hilarious!

It reminds me of the time my family made the big vacation trip to So. Cal.

We decided to go to church out there, and the minister made all the visitors stand up and tell where they were from. Needless to say when my father stood up and said, "Duluth Minnesota", there was a collective gasp from the congregation.

After a couple seconds of silence the minister finally said, "I bet it is cold up there!"... (It was the middle of August and probably warmer in Duluth than in San Diego. We have longer days in the summer.)

I think my dad just smiled and said, "Yeah, its freezing! It is so nice to be in sunny California."

I had forgotten that story until just now.

By Blogger Mike, at 5/1/06 08:14  

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