Julie R. Neidlinger: Lone Prairie Blog

Re-Run: Now that I'm back.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 0 comments link this post

::This post, from my old blog, originally ran February 20, 2005, shortly after I'd returned from my second trip to Nicaragua. I decided to run it again because I'm gearing up to go again on February 15. Last night we had a meeting in preparation for the trip and I'm very much excited about what's coming; hence, the re-run seems appropriate at this time.::

The group from our church stood up and spoke to the congregation about our Nicaragua trip. I am not a great public speaker, and kind of dread these "opportunities". Gaylon had good things to say, and John was obviously still moved by his experience. Kim had, as usual, the last word (and it was a long last word), but did a good job in summarizing the project and how God was fitting all the puzzle pieces together.

I didn't want to waste my time in front of the mic with lots of silliness or nothing relevant to say. So, to organize my thoughts and say something honest, I wrote my little speech down. I had the first word. Here it is:

My thoughts on giving

I didn't want to come up here, after a week of incredible things, and enthrall you with 45 “ums” per minute, so I wrote some thoughts down.

I apologize for my voice. I knew I'd be in trouble after breathing in all the dust from the work site, so my prayer was that I wouldn't get sick while in Nicaragua. I didn't. I am sick at home. I need to be a bit more specific in my prayers.

It is hard for me to talk about the Nicaragua trip, not because I am afraid I will start to cry, or that I lack material on which to talk about. It is hard, because much of it is confusing to me. I made the comment on the drive home that I hoped I never became rich. The responsibility of giving wisely is almost too great, and I struggled to find the best use for a few hundred dollars over just a week.

I am planning on going next year, Lord willing, but not because of the usual reasons. Yes, I want to see the people that are more than just faces, but are names and come with stories. Yes, I very much enjoy the group fellowship, the adventure, the fun. Those are side reasons, but not the main reasons.

I want to go again, because I do not yet understand giving.

1. I am still trying to find that place between being a good steward and doing it for the least of my bretheren.
2. I am still trying to find out how to give wisely while not judging who deserves my gift.
3. I am still trying to come to terms with a just God that puts a sandwich in my hand while a woman skips eating for days so her child can eat.
4. I need to come to an understanding of what kind of responsibility comes with monetary blessings, while secretly praying to never, ever be rich in a selfish effort to shirk the challenge of wisdom an discernment that needs to come with money.
5. I need to learn why it is that irritation and extreme empathy for the same people at the same time can live within me.
6. I have to believe that good and right intentions will be used by God, even when what I'm doing may not have been the best thing for someone. Lord, help my unbelief.
7. I have to come to grips with not being able to help everyone, and having to draw the line sometimes even when those that need help are watching me draw the line.

I may come off as a hard heart to some, as I don't cry much. I do not think it is because of lack of proper feelings over what I saw, but feeling overwhelmed instead.

Where should I start crying? And what should I cry over? There is so much, seeming without end, that I didn't even start for fear I'd never stop. Instead, I just did what I could, when I could, where I could.

I was asked a few times if I wanted to stay in Nicaragua forever, or if I wanted to get home. My answer was both, and neither. God puts us all where He wants us, when He wants us, and I did not wish to be either or. I miss Nicaragua. I love being back. If we all stayed down there, then who would come? If I stayed down there, I would miss out on this rather uncomfortable struggle to balance and justify to very different worlds that I have been allowed to be a part of. I think the struggle is what God is using in my life right now.

I do want to point out that if any of you would like a blow-by-blow account of the trip, you can visit our website at: www.northdakotanrn.com and read about these past trips. There are photos and journal entries, and I think it's a good way to understand what it is like to be on a trip such as this. One of the best days for me was the last day, where I was able to meet the girl that I sponsor and spend the entire day with her. Really, that one day made the trip worth everything, even being a bit sick right now. It was a gift from God.

Thank you.