Julie R. Neidlinger: Lone Prairie Art and Writing

Sometimes I frighten myself.

written by Julie R. Neidlinger 1 comments link this post

I'm often surprised and frightened when I read the old notebooks and binders of past writing efforts. I have piles of this stuff, stacked in bookshelves and cupboards; high school, college, stuff from my journals. Most of it quite bad, much of it bizarre.

For example, take the following pieces I wrote (probably about five years ago). It makes no sense.

War of the Office Products, or What Happens When You Stay Up Late, Working
(A Non-Sequitur in Four Parts)
by Julie R. Neidlinger

The orange bottle stands ready on my desk. I worry it might attack. Still, I find the computer mouse near it strangely reassuring. Thinking quickly, I arrange four pencils around the base of the bottle, setting up a perimeter. I quickly locate a black marker and commission it as General. Pencils will now answer to the marker.

Hearing a rustling from behind me, I see a small scissor making its way stealthily toward my keyboard from its perch on the elevated shelf. I saw the danger of having only four pencils; they were busy with the bottle and could not apprehend this vile scissor. Running my hand across the pull-out shelf below the keyboard, I gripped a yellow post-it note pad with assurance. This was all I would need.

Pulling three sheets of paper from the pad, I grappled with the scissor until it was completely obliterated by sticky yellow squares. The war was over and I, along with my office products army, had won.
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I can't seem to understand this. Talk about your complex gadgets. I just got them yesterday and for the life of me, I can't get any of them to work. They seem to be color coded, although I've looked everywhere on the board and do not see the corresponding color coded areas. Also, I seem to be lacking the correct tool to insert them into the board. As they came with no instructions, I will have to assume the sharper end will go in first although I can't be sure. My original purpose was to use them for organizational clarity, but it now appears I do not have the correct board to start with in the first place, nor do I have the required training needed to use them. I will have to take them back. Stupid thumbtacks.
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Upon my word, it is the one-legged ghost standing on Farmer Giles redwood deck! said the crowd of red-clad midgets. With a gasp and sigh, they removed their blue button-hole carnations and cast them into the swiftly flowing river at the bottom of the cliff. The rest of the lemmings jumped, too, as all the popcorn balls were missing. Still, the green iced tea cakes were a tempting proposition. With a shrug, Sir William de Headache exited with a flair and an epee, ready for any onslaught that might come his way in the elegant cathedral.

With the arrival of this new pet, the young girls swooned and threw away all of their string, thus ending the terrible reign of Wilber the Green Hearted. And without further ado, the curtain fell and the audience demanded a full refund in rupees and pesos.
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My guess is the post-it note sheets surrendered and the scissor won after all.
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So, what's the strangest thing you've ever written?