Faith and hope have me trapped. I keep hoping for an amazing break in my life, hoping for success in at least one of the Big Three areas we humans measure success in.

I know the machine. It’s been running for about 36 years.

The god in it is really grinding the gears. The noise drowns out my prayers and they can’t be heard.

I have lots of books on prayer. Some have formulas, some have promises, some have anti-promises. They’re shelved now. I’m not interested in reading them. In the end, I feel like I’m using prayer in a way that makes it a deus ex machina.

That in the midst of it all, suddenly, something or someone will appear and explain away all that didn’t make sense, solving the problems.

This just does not happen.

There is silence and absence and no sense.

This is how a life is made: each moment becomes a day becomes a life. The gears turn.