Halloween costume.

This Saturday I am officially attending what my friend and I decided to call a “Lame Ass Party.”

That’s its official title.

Candy handed out to kids? Check. A couple of scary movies? Check. A blanket to hide behind during the scary parts of these movies? Check. Festive food and drinks? Check.

Thanks to FoodNetwork.com, we have some cool recipes to work from.

My costume, however, illustrates my continual problem at Halloween, which is refusing to dress as something that can be described, named, or explained with one word.

No princesses. No witches. No vampires. Oh no. I have intellectual pride. The closest I’ve ever come to a commercial costume was the year I was an M&M. Try walking down the street to the coffee shop on your work break dressed as an M&M and see if you ever get your dignity back.

“Julie, you look like you’re an M&M.”

“Oh, just shoot me.”

Once, I dressed as a crime scene, which ended up requiring constant explanation. I considered going as Amelia Earhart this year and not showing up, because, you know Lame Ass and all that. I considered wrapping myself in blue lights and calling myself a runway, or pinning small birds to my arms and either being St. Francis of Assisi or the jet that crashed in the Hudson River.

In the end, after all the FEMA training and online tests that I was required to take to join an aviation-based search-and-rescue group, which taught me about ICS and NIMS and several other acronyms, I decided to be an Incident Commander this year.

My costume would be mainly, I told my friend, about the accouterments. And of course, I’d be fully in charge.

“Accouterments. That’s a good word,” he said, neglecting to mention that I’d be in charge.

As Incident Commander of the party on Saturday, I will have a clipboard and will document trick or treaters.  I will be prepared to answer questions to any possible crisis, including low levels of Diet Coke. The kitchen will be the Staging Area, and I will prepare for demobilization of resources even as the Incident is in full swing. I will keep an accurate inventory on these resources, particularly the potato chips.

My friend and I find this incredibly funny.

I have a feeling that no one else will.

Some year, maybe I should just dress up in something obvious.