Or,
If my life right now
were to be
expressed mathematically

The doorknobs on my apartment doors
n = doorknobs falling off
x = swear words (audible and inaudible)

If n = 4, then x = n(3)
Except on Sunday, in which case,
If n = 4, then x = n(1)(I’m sorry)

News and information transformed into inaccurate gossip: a theorem
If a = actual accurate information
and b = random personal opinions, axes to grind, and in general, bitchiness
then c = convoluted crap that passes for gospel truth

a² + b² = c²