The first scourge of Christmas is the dreaded Christmas Letter.

You’ve gotten these letters. The are filled with paragraphs filled with thoughts like the following examples:

1. Our son just about cured cancer but we decided to enroll him in preschool instead.
2. We hiked to the top of Kilimanjaro and planted a tree; flew to Hawaii and swam with the dolphins; ate sushi at the bottom of the Sargasso Sea in a vintage bathysphere; and dined with the Queen of England on the Fourth of July. Traveling brings us pleasure.
3. Our daughter provided us with 60 grandchildren this year and boy is she tired. What a gal.
4. We’re sure enjoying our new RV, vacation condo, houseboat, small private island near Fiji and the remodeled space shuttle that we recently purchased. Our stockbroker will get an extra treat this year!
5. Now that we’re retired, we like to travel to Acapulco, Cancun, Kokomo and Dante’s third ring of hell. We just love the warm weather.

That such a season could inspire homicidal thoughts…

You know what I’m talking about, and if you don’t, you are what I’m talking about. Christmas is not the time to become the new mayor of Bragville.

However, because I’m one for giving back to the people, I decided I would write one of my own witty and insightful “versions” of a Christmas Letter this year. You can be sure it will be filled with delight and upbeat happiness that only I can provide during this festive season. And it’s all free with no danger of you being added to my mailing list or pestered for money when I’m living in a cardboard box under the viaduct next year.

Yep. All you have to do is email me your mailing address and you’ll get a full-color Christmas letter in the mail. Free. No obligations. But hurry. Christmas is almost here.

UPDATE: One year later, I put the letter online. Here you go.